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I mean it to sound persuasive, but something in my words hurts her. I replay them to figure out what it was, but I’m not exactly sure.
“But only if that thing I want is you, right?” There’s venom in her tone, accusing me of something, but I don’t know what it is, though I’ve obviously misstepped.
Damn, I suck at this. I’m more than a little lost and wishing I had a GPS for these uncharted waters because something really important is happening here. But she’s the only one who knows what it is. She goes back to fidgeting and I can feel her pulling away from me.
I push out from the table and come around to kneel at her feet. It puts my face even with hers, and I take her hands in mine, holding them on her thighs. I duck down, getting my face in hers where she’s looking down, not letting her away from me, from this.
I’m going into dangerous territory, approaching a wounded animal with nothing but the good intentions I hope she can read. Because I might not know what Allyson’s deal is, but any fool can tell that beneath her hard shell, her soft heart has been hurt. Badly.
“You’re different from before. I get that. This woman you are now? I want to know her, fall in love with her and that kid down the hall too. But only if that’s what you want.” I pause, trying to make the next words come as I cup her jaw in my big hands.
“I’m not here to make it harder for you, Al. If you don’t want me, if you’d rather I just coach the kids and disappear when the season’s over, I will. It’ll kill me, and Bobby will throw some big ‘told ya so’ shit my way, but all I want is for you to be happy. Fuck yeah, I want it to be with me, but if not, just . . .” I lick my lips, hating the catch in my throat. “Just be happy, Al.”
I don’t know where these words are coming from. I’m not a pretty poetry sort, but it’s the damn truth. I’ve gone from wanting her, to wanting to possess her, to wanting to watch her shuck the shackles holding her back. I want her to fly because fuck, is she stunning when she soars, and hopefully, she’ll come back to me after feeling the wind through her wings.
She blinks several times and I think she might be about to cry. But her voice is steady as she speaks. “It’s funny you say I’m different from before. These last few weeks, especially these last few days, I’ve felt more like my old self than I have in years. And I like it.” The very corners of her mouth tilt up in the smallest smile, and she whispers confidentially, “I don’t know how to do this, Bruce. I don’t date, haven’t wanted to, not since . . .”
It’s on the tip of her tongue to say his name, but I don’t want him and whatever shit he did to her to intrude on this moment. I might not know what happened, but he did this to her. He turned the fiery, mouthy girl who shone so brightly and lived life wide open into this fearful, rigid woman who dully lives well within the confines of safety. It’s not that she’s an adult now. It’s that her true self is buried under years of grime from him.
And yet, she’s so close to letting her inner wild-child free to choose me, the rough, gruff cowboy she once knew who doesn’t deserve a sweet thing like her, the man who’ll do anything for her. Her eyes dip to my mouth, and I take the initiative, kissing her softly. But though it’s sweet, there’s deep meaning to our every caress.
I pull back, meeting her eyes directly and swimming in the blue I see there. “Allyson, we can go as slow as you need or as fast as you want. Just try this . . . for you. I think you need this, need me, and that’s not arrogance talking. It’s okay if you use me up and throw me away when you’re done. If it’s what you need to get right with yourself, I’ll do it.”
I know what I’m offering is pure and utter stupidity on my part. She’s not ready, might not ever be ready for what I want with her, but I’ll take what I can get for as long as I can get it and pray that along the way, she will fall in love with me.
I can hear Bobby calling me a dumb shit already, but I don’t care. A moment of happiness with her is better than a lifetime of nothingness without her. I know that she’s why I never found someone, not in all the years after high school. Somewhere, deep inside, I knew I gave my heart away to this girl, and though she left me, she left with my heart in her hands. It’s always been hers, whether she wanted it or not.
