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I kiss his chest. “It’s okay, Jaxon. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t tell you until last night. I didn’t want to upset you and cause you to do something irrational.”
We lie there quietly for a few minutes, him playing with my hair and me outlining his tattoos. I see the necklace he wears out of the corner of my eye, and I finger it. The jewel is turquoise and in the shape of a teardrop. It’s very pretty.
It’s peaceful just lying in bed with him. I finally feel somewhat free of my past, and I’ll do almost anything to stay that way.
Jaxon breaks the silence.
“I had a friend in high school named Kaylee. We met at the playground in fourth grade and became best buds. She had just moved down the street from my house. That first day at the playground marked the first of many days that we played together. We were always with each other, whether at school or at home.”
He stops speaking for a moment, and I watch him lift a piece of my hair and bring it to his nose where he takes a whiff. When he releases my hair, he moves his hand to the necklace I’m still playing with.
“She gave this to me for my thirteenth birthday.” His eyes are distant, like his body may be here but his mind is somewhere else. I lie there quietly, waiting for him to continue.
“It was just her and her dad. We hardly ever went to her house, opting to come to mine instead. I used to always pick on her, saying it was because she liked my mom’s cooking more.” He chuckles at the memory. “It wasn’t until a year later that I realized it was because she didn’t like being around her dad.”
“One day she didn’t come to school. After I got home, I walked to her house to go check on her. Her dad wasn’t home. When she opened the door, I knew immediately something was wrong. She had a split lip and a bruise on her cheek. I could also see bruises on both of her wrists.” I inhale sharply, knowing where this is going.
Jaxon stops talking again and closes his eyes. Another few minutes pass before he continues in a whisper, “She begged me, got on her knees and begged me not to say anything. She said it would only make it worse. I was so scared for her that I kept my mouth shut.”
I squeeze my arm around him in a show of comfort, but I don’t think he notices. He’s in his own hell right now in the form of his memories. I ache for him.
“Kaylee explained to me that it normally wasn’t that bad. He got drunk the night before and was careless. She said that usually he didn’t leave marks where people can see them. A fucking ten-year-old little girl was explaining to a ten-year-old little boy how her daddy usually is more cautious of where he leaves marks on her body. And it wasn’t just the punching or kicking, it was the sexual abuse as well. We were both supposed to be too young to even know what sex was, much less what it means.” Jaxon hisses out the last. My body convulses at his words. Jaxon notices and starts running his hand up and down my back.
“Just a few more minutes, angel. I know it’s hard to hear, but I need you to know why I reacted the way I did in my office. Can you hold on for a few more minutes?”
I take a deep breath and nod. I can do this for Jaxon. It may break my heart in the process, but I’ll learn to be strong for him.
“The abuse didn’t happen all the time, but I always knew when it did. She would be at my house more. She was always quiet. We would sneak up to my room and crawl into my bed. I would lie behind her while she told me what happened. Even as a child I would lie there the whole time she talked and silently wish I could kill the sick son of a bitch.
“This went on for years, all the way up to high school. We would argue all the time about it. I wanted to tell someone, but Kaylee was terrified that no one would believe her, forcing her to live in the same house as him after we told, which would only cause more pain for her. Once we were older I confronted Kaylee’s dad a couple times behind her back. He got worried that I would go to my mom and swore he would stop. It would for a bit but then would start again. I was stuck because I promised Kaylee I wouldn’t say anything, but it was slowly killing me inside each time she would come to my house with that sad look on her face.” Jaxon stops talking for a moment. The tone of his voice has deepened and I know that he’s fixing to reveal is going to be terrible.
“In tenth grade Kaylee started going into a deep depression. We would still hang out all the time and she would still come to my house when it got bad at home, but she wasn’t the same. She would stare off into space a lot and zone out. She always wanted to stay in and never go out. I also noticed that she started losing weight. I knew something else was going on but no matter how many times I asked, she would brush me off.
“When she didn’t show for school one day, I skipped third period and went to her house to check on her. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. When I pulled up there were cops cars all around and an ambulance. I fought with some of the cops, trying to get inside. I watched as they brought her dad out in handcuffs. He had his head bent and was crying. I found out later at the hospital that she was two months pregnant. That twisted fuck got her pregnant and then beat her so badly that she had a miscarriage. From what the cops could gather she must have realized she was having a miscarriage and it sent her over the edge. She slit her wrist in the bathtub. She wrote me a letter confirming what the cops told me. She told me she couldn’t do it anymore. She said that she was sorry she wasn’t strong enough. Kaylee wrote me a letter saying she wasn’t strong enough. It was me that wasn’t strong enough. I was the one that let her down. I was the one that wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.”
Tears are streaming down my face, soaking Jaxon’s chest, by the time he finishes. The anguish in his voice only adds to my misery. What Jaxon must have gone through, feeling so helpless. What Kaylee, still a child, went through, feeling like she had no choice but to end her life. Even though I never met her, I feel a connection with her through our mutual abuse. We’ve both been through more than most people can imagine. The only difference is that I choose to hang on one more time in an attempt to escape it, whereas Kaylee chose a direct path to ending her agony.
There’s one thing I know and that’s that Jaxon blames himself for what happened to Kaylee, when he shouldn’t. The guilt he’s carried with him all these years is heartbreaking.
Forcing myself to be strong for Jaxon, I sit up and wipe my tears away. Turning to face him, I place my hands on his chest and get right in his face. I want him to hear loud and clearly what I have to say.
“Jaxon, it wasn’t your fault. He was a sick and depraved man that enjoyed causing pain to Kaylee. She was a troubled young girl. She made you promise not to say anything. What do you think she would have done if you had told? She would have turned away from you and there’s no telling what would have happened to her then.” I lean over to bring my hand up to his jaw and rub my finger over his scruffy cheek. “It was you that kept her alive for the years that she was. It was through your friendship with her that she had a piece of normal.”
Jaxon closes his eyes, but I still see the grief written all over his face. “But if I had said something she still may be here. I didn’t do anything to stop it,” he whispers in a tortured voice.
“Look at me, Jaxon.” When he has his eyes focused on me, I continue, “You don’t know that. You don’t know what that type of abuse does to a person in the long run. It was already so far inside her, embedded in her, that even if it stopped doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t have done something to stop the memories. She wouldn’t want you to suffer like this. She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. All you ever gave her was good. You were the positive in her life. You’ve got to let go and know that she’s in a better place, looking down on you.”
Jaxon sits up and wraps his arms around me. He buries his face in my hair, and I hear him murmur, “I don’t know if I can.”
Running my hands up and down his naked back in an effect to comfort him, I say to him quietly, “Maybe we can heal each other.”
* * *
SITTING OUTSIDE WITH JAXON on his back deck is one of the most relaxing feelings I’ve ever felt. We’re both reclining back in lawn chairs with our feet propped up on the railing, sipping coffee. Our chairs are close and we’re sharing a blanket because there’s a chill in the air. My right hand and his left hand are interlocked beneath the covers. It’s so peaceful and quiet out here. We’re both silent, just enjoying the beautiful view of the trees, lightly swaying in the wind, that surround a vast lake. I’ve already seen a couple deer and a lone red fox. Jaxon chuckled at my excitement of seeing the wild creatures moseying by.
Our tranquility is interrupted by a loud bang coming from inside the house, then a blur of bright yellow rushing out onto the deck. The yellow blur is Anna, rushing toward us. She stops just before colliding into our chairs.
“Oh my God, Bailey! Are you okay? Nick told me this morning what happened last night. Well, he wouldn’t tell me everything but he told me that you blacked out. Are you okay? What happened? Is there anything I can do?” She says this all in a rush, hardly pausing between sentences.
