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“It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“It’s not fucking fine,” Stefania says, looking furious. “It’s bullshit.”
“I’ll talk to him.” Maddie’s already at the door. “You all just stay calm, okay? We don’t need to escalate things.” She disappears inside.
“Ever since Renzo became the Don, he’s been such a dickhead.” Stefania storms after Maddie, which I suspect won’t help much.
Allegra remains with Gian. I can tell she wants to follow, but there’s a complicated history and maybe she wouldn’t be able to help all that much.
“We’re heading out,” Saul announces and takes my hand. I hate the look on his face—he’s doing his best to hide his suffering, but I know him well enough by now. This is a nightmare for him. This family is everything, and if Renzo’s kicking him out, that means he’s losing a piece of himself. “Don’t get yourself in more trouble because of me,” he says.
“Don’t worry about us.” Gian glares back at the house. “Worry about Renzo.”
“It was great meeting you,” Allegra says. “I’m sorry for all this weirdness. It’s not usually so stressful around here.”
Saul pulls me away after we say our goodbyes, and once we’re alone in the car, I pull his face toward me and kiss him.
That doesn’t seem to help. He’s not hiding his pain anymore, and it’s like the joy’s been sucked from him, dragged from his skin and left to burn in the sun. I don’t know how to help—I can’t put him back together.
“We’ll be okay,” he says, and of course now he’s trying to comfort me.
“Renzo will change his mind. I promise, he’s going to.”
“Maybe.” He puts the car in gear. “But I don’t know if I want him to.”
“Saul, you don’t mean that.”
“I have you.” Some of his smile comes back. “I have the baby. Hell, I even have Nana and Jason.”
“For better or worse, yeah, you’re stuck with those two jokers.”
“I love you, Molly. I love your family too. If I have to close the book on this, I can open a new one with you.”
“Saul—”
“It’s okay.” He leans across and kisses me. “Let’s go home.”
We drive away, and I don’t feel right. He can act brave, pretend like he’s moving on, but I know that’s all for show. He doesn’t want me to know how much he’s in pain right now.
But he stepped up when I needed him. He keeps on stepping up and keeps on taking on more. And I’ll do the same for him, even if I don’t know how yet.
Chapter 31
Saul
It feels like a piece of my body was ripped off by a woodchipper. Which is the only thing I’ve ever used a woodchipper for: destroying human limbs.
I knew Renzo would be angry. I understood he’d feel like I betrayed him. When I went to the house, I fully expected him to shout at me, and afterward, I assumed we’d work it out. Maybe that part wouldn’t be pretty, maybe I’d take some kind of punishment within the Famiglia to paper over my disobedience, but I never once imagined he’d cast me aside like that.
As if I hadn’t given everything to my family already.
I try not to dwell. Molly helps with that. I throw myself into her and obsess over her comfort. I probably annoy the hell out of her with how much I’m talking about the coming baby, going over her birth plan, reading parenting books, basically doing anything to make me feel normal again instead of like an open wound.
None of it helps. I’m festering in my own misery.
A few days after my life changed, Gian shows up at our door. I hesitate before letting him inside, not sure if I want to deal with this, but he’s alone. And I figured if I’m going to talk to any of my brothers, it might as well be him.
Molly fusses over us, pours drinks, offers food and tea, before disappearing into another room. I sit out back with him and stare across the small concrete slab to the back fence separating us from the next block over.
