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I feel dizzy and sick. My world’s completely tilted to the side, and I might go tumbling into the dark. Only Molly’s hand in mine keeps me anchored.
The doctor comes in an hour later. Everyone’s worn thin, just a bunch of raw nerves jangling together. He looks around and wipes his hands on his scrubs as if cleaning blood from his palms.
“He’s in recovery,” the doctor says.
Maddie’s on her feet, looking unsteady. “He’s alive?” Hope blossoms in her eyes.
The doctor nods. “Right now, we think his prognosis is pretty good. Renzo was very, very lucky.”
She collapses back into her seat and sobs into her hands. I get up and move closer to the doctor as Carlo and Gian ask him questions.
He holds up his hands. “That’s all I can tell you right now. The surgery went very well, and I think he’s going to be okay, but he won’t be ready for visitors until tomorrow. His wife can come see him in about an hour, but everyone else has to wait.”
“Doc, he’s my fucking brother,” Carlo says. “You’ve got to let us see him.”
“I can’t do that. I suggest you all go home. He’s recovering nicely, and I’m optimistic about his prognosis.”
Gian peppers him with a few more questions, but the doctor slips out of there without telling us much more. Maddie looks shaken, but visibly relieved, and some of the tension drains from the room.
“Not much more we can do right now,” Carlo says, looking grim. He glances at Maddie. “I should stay here with her. Make sure there’s someone watching out for them.”
“No, I’ll do it. Allegra won’t want to leave her alone anyway.” Gian stretches his back. “Besides, I’m better at sitting around than you two are.”
“Fair point.” Carlo gives me a look. “You wanna go for a ride, bro?”
“I absolutely do.” I hesitate though. This isn’t my place, and I know what Carlo’s thinking right now.
He wants revenge. The kind that involves a lot of dead Russian bodies.
“I’ll get you the second we’re allowed back there.” Gian squeezes my shoulder and nods once. “It’s alright. I promise.”
That helps, but I’m still a wreck. Molly only comes with me after Allegra promises she’ll make sure Maddie’s okay and after I practically drag her by the wrist. Carlo stomps through the hospital, looking like he’s going to burn the place down.
But I’m back in underboss mode. My head’s working through possibilities, thinking of all the places where the Russians hang out and which will be the most vulnerable to attack. I have a vague plan by the time we reach the parking lot, but I stop mid-stride as if struck by lightning.
It occurs to me that this isn’t my place.
“Saul? Are you okay?” Molly takes my hand and leans against me.
And I feel sick. I’m not okay. It’s like I fell into a black hole and I don’t know who I am anymore. The version of myself that I’ve always known, the Rossi brother, the mafia underboss, the loyal soldier, that version could act right now. That version could fight through the sorrow and the rage.
But this man I’ve become? He doesn’t have a place anymore.
“Nothing’s changed,” I say quietly and it fucking kills me. “When he gets out of the hospital, it’ll all still be the same.”
Carlo turns around when he realizes we’re not following anymore. “Bro, you coming? We’ve got work to do.”
I shake my head slowly. “That’s not my place anymore.”
“This shit again?” Carlo strides back, looking more than pissed. “You and Renzo got into a fight. That shit happens between brothers sometimes. But he got shot and now it’s time to step up.”
“You don’t get it. We did more than fight. Carlo, he stripped me of my position in the family. That’s the same as killing me.”
“No,” Carlo says, tone flat. “It’s not.”
“I’m not a part of this anymore.”
My younger brother takes a deep breath to steady himself. “Alright, listen to me. I’m heading over to my truck. I want you sitting next to me when I pull out in five minutes. Okay? Forget about everything else. I need you right now, bro.”
