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Chapter 20
Aria
When Clay left tonight, I locked the door and sat on the couch alone. Just like I’ve done for the last six weeks. The house seems empty. Quiet. Abandoned. I feel all those things, and it’s only what I asked for. I pushed Caleb away, but I didn’t expect to feel this destitute. Every day is darker, and I can’t shake away the clouds hanging over my head.
For the last six weeks, I’ve wondered around this big house, lost. I’ve had too much time to think about the future, and it isn’t looking very bright. What do I have to offer my child? My mom and brother are the only two that have been here to see me. My brother calls me every day and stops by every second day. My mom calls in on the days that Spencer doesn’t. Clay should just move in here, because he’s here morning, noon, and evening. Chris has kept his distance, but I think that’s because he doesn’t want to be taking sides, whereas Clay doesn’t give a shit. He’s always been like that. He’s never followed the crowds. He’s his own person, which I love about him.
I’ve learnt all about Clay and his life as an adult. His friend who is MIA in Iraq. I feel bad for him, because I know what it’s like to lose someone you love and care for deeply, even though Caleb is still within my reach. I feel like I’ve lost a huge chunk of myself.
I feel the tears fall down my cheeks. That’s all I’ve done lately, and it’s getting me down that I can’t go through a day without being an emotional wreck. I’ve never felt this alone and empty, even when I was captured. Caleb filled a huge hole and made me look clearly at the future. Without him in my life I don’t see how anything can be clear again.
A soft knock sounds on the front door. I stand up carefully and look through the peep hole. I know it can only be one of the Shawlands at this time, but I’m surprised to see which one it is.
Caleb.
I step back, take in a deep breath, and open the door slowly. I look a mess. My eyes feel puffy from all the crying, and I’m standing in my pajamas. I feel like a big beached whale now, and I’m only half way to cooking this bun.
“Hi,” I say suspiciously.
He looks terrible himself. He looks tired and lost, just like I do.
“Can I come in for a moment?”
I open the door wider and let him in. “You don’t need to ask to come into your own home, Caleb.”
He runs his hand through his hair and turns to me. I can see his eyes glistening with tears. “How are you?”
I shrug. “I’m okay.”
“Really? Is that why it looks like you’ve been crying all night? Like you haven’t slept in weeks.”
I walk past him into the living room, but he captures my hand and rubs his hand over the back of it. I instantly feel that spark ignite between us again. It doesn’t matter how long we go without seeing each other, it’s there.
I cry. “Don’t do this, Caleb.”
“I think it’s a bit obvious that giving each other space isn’t working for any of us.” He steps into my space and places his hand delicately on my cheek and backs me against the wall. “I love you, Aria. I can’t be away from you any longer. It’s killing me. I can’t think straight. I can’t even function without you.”
His warm body presses against mine and shivers run through me. I feel his warm breath on my lips. Our eyes lock on one another and we look just as broken as each other.
“I love you, Aria.”
“I love you too.” I sigh.
Just saying those four little words is like a weight off my shoulders. I’ve been pushing him away for his own good, but it’s clear that it’s caused more pain and upset to both of us.
His warm lips skim across mine softly. My heart rate picks up and I tangle my hands through his hair, pulling his face closer to me, entwining our tongues together. He lifts my legs around his waist, and I cling to him. My core rubs against his, and the tingles run through my body, igniting a flame in my stomach. I never once thought I’d feel like this about a man again. I’ve dreaded the day Caleb touched me like this, but something inside me has shifted.
He pulls back from me breathlessly, but I don’t let his hair go. I don’t want him to part from me. I can’t let him go.
“Why did you stop?” I ask.
“Because I love you, and I only have so much restraint, babe. You’re not ready for this.” He speaks softly, kissing my cheek.
“Will you stay?”
At that moment, I feel the baby doing somersaults in my stomach.
Caleb looks down at my stomach between us and smiles. “It would appear that someone else wants me to stay, too.” He rubs my tummy delicately, and the baby kicks his hand again. “Do you want me to stay, Aria?”
