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I accept his hand and pat his back. “My door is always open. Come on in.”
I walk through to my kitchen and grab two bottles of beer from my fridge. Beer is probably the last thing my stomach wants tonight, but I think I’m going to need it after what Carrick tells me he wants.
I hand a bottle to Carrick and sit down at the breakfast bar. He remains standing, and it’s only now that I’m seeing how tired and rundown he looks. Granted, I haven’t seen him in such a long time, but he was always primed and looking well. Shay used to tease him that he was model material. I can’t say that tonight. He looks like he hasn’t slept in months. The disheveled look doesn’t suit him. Shay would hate to see him wasting away. She would hate to see any of us moping around the place. She would be the first to tell us all to get a grip if she was here.
“Give your heads a shake, guys.” I can hear her saying it.
“So, what brings you out here tonight?” I take a sip of the beer and start picking off the label. Even the smell and slight taste are turning my stomach.
“I need to find her, Clay, and I think you’re the only one who can, or rather, will help me.”
Find her. She’s been missing for months.
“You do realize what you’re saying, right? I want to find her as much as you do, but I honestly don’t know what we could do. The army did all they can. There is nothing a normal civilian can do, not out there in Iraq. It’s a warzone, man. And I am only a normal civilian now.”
“She’s not dead, Clay. I know I sound like a grieving brother, but I can feel it in here.” He thumps his chest, agitated. “She’s not dead. I’d know if she was.”
I don’t want to agree with him, yet I have this strange feeling tangled up in my gut that Shay is alive too. But when you hear the same thing so many times, you doubt your own thoughts and feelings. I’m done with the army. I have no contacts left I can reach out to. There’s nothing I can do. If they haven’t found Shay, dead or alive, we have very little chance of finding her.
“We’d only be fighting a losing battle, Carrick. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but there is nothing we can do here. I won’t lie to you and give you false hope.”
I hated hearing those words come from my mouth. I help everyone. I never say there’s nothing we can do, but here I am, defeated.
“Then we go to Iraq,” Carrick blurts out.
“You’re not serious? That’s not an option, buddy. We wouldn’t even survive an hour.”
“Damn right I’m serious, Clay. I’ll do anything for my sister. I thought you would too.”
I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. I will do anything for Shay. I told her many times that I’d walk over hot coals for her. Yet, when it comes down to the crunch, I’m giving up.
“Clay, we need to get her back to base. We’re losing her,” Shay shouts over the chopper’s engine.
I take the limp child from Shay’s arms and run over to the helicopter. I lie her down on the stretcher and we all pile into the aircraft. I watch Shay working, hooking the child up to machines and fluids. She’s a great medic. One of the best I’ve ever come across. If my life was on the line, she would be the one I’d want fighting to save me.
“I didn’t think we would get out of that raid today.” She shakes her head. “They told me no help would get through to us.”
When the call came in to base that Shay had gotten into trouble while out collecting supplies, I knew I was coming for her. I knew I’d do anything to keep her safe.
“I’ll always come for you, short stuff.” I squeeze her shoulder and sit on my heels. “Can I do anything to help?”
“We’ll lose her if we don’t get her back for surgery. She’s bleeding internally.”
“We’re ten minutes out. There’s a full team on standby. Don’t worry, we’ll save her.”
“My hero.” Shay leans forward and kisses my cheek.
I’ll always be her hero.
I open my eyes and Carrick is leaning over the breakfast bar, trying to get my attention.
“What happened? You spaced out on me.”
I feel my cheek where Shay kissed me in my memory. It’s only a memory I have, but it’s weird, because whenever I think about her, it feels real. It feels like she’s here with me, and the pain of not having her here is too much.
“I was her hero and I let her down.” I stand up and bang the bottle down on the work surface. “But what you’re asking is not even possible. We cannot go to Iraq.” I turn and face Carrick. “We won’t even get into the country.”
I hold on to the worktop to keep myself standing. To stop me from losing my shit. I need to keep my hands occupied, because right now, I feel like punching the fuck out of something.
