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“Did it work?”
She shakes her head subtly. “In the end, nothing worked, Clark. Even now, standing here in your arms, I can still feel him. See him. Smell him. It doesn’t matter how much I scrub my body, he still lingers. And do you know what kills me the most?”
“What?” I croakily ask.
“When I looked at my daughter’s face, I could see him. He helped make her. I wanted her to look nothing like him.”
I feel like she just sucker-punched me right in the gut. I want her to be honest with me, even if it’s not what I want to hear. Even if it tears another layer from my heart.
“Do you want to know what I saw when I looked at Daisy?” She finally looks up. “I saw your daughter. A beautiful angel. Her mother’s daughter.”
“I’m not sure I’ll ever move on, Clark. I’m damaged goods.” She shakes her head and tears fall down her cheeks quickly.
“No, you’re not. You’re perfect.”
“When you’ve heard the same derogatory comments for years, seen the same look of disgust in your husband’s eyes, it changes the way you feel about yourself.” She pushes off my chest and walks into the heart of my living room.
Damien has escaped with Jared over to the kitchen. I’m kind of glad they’re not in my line of sight. It’s hard enough to know they’re hearing all of this, but I know Kally needs to start talking to get things off her chest. Bottling up these emotions won’t help her.
Silence surrounds us for moments. It feels like a lifetime, but I sit on the chair and let Kally do what she has to. I’m not going anywhere. There’s not one thing she can do or tell me that will push me away.
“He hated me because he knew I loved you.”
“I’ll always be here for you, Kal. I have always been your friend first and foremost.”
She turns around and looks at me with an expression I’ve never seen before. A look that’s a cross between anger and fear. “That’s the problem, Clark. We might not be here today if you’d just….” She pauses and turns away from me.
She can’t blame me for this any more than I blame myself. For three long years, every damn day, I’ve punished myself.
“Say it, Kally. Get it off your chest,” I push.
“No.”
I stand up. “Say it.”
“You should have claimed me years ago,” she cries. “All of my firsts should have been with you.”
I want to go to her, but I can’t. Blaming myself and knowing she blames me are two very different things.
“Don’t you think I know that? If I could go back and do things differently, I would. Believe me, I already hate myself for the way things turned out. For the pain you’ve faced.” I shake my head.
I turn away from her and head to my office to give us both time to cool off. I know she’s trying to push me away, and that will never happen, but right now, I need some space. I’ll never be able to erase her words, but I’ll need to learn to deal with them… somehow.
I walk right over to the decanter and pour myself a large whiskey. This dark liquid has been my best friend over the years. I’ve drowned my sorrows in the bottom of this decanter. It kept the demons away and helped me cope, but Kally doesn’t know any of that, and I’ll never tell her. She has enough to deal with without adding my problems.
“She doesn’t mean it, Clark,” says Damien as he enters my office and sits down on the chair opposite my desk.
“Yes, she does, and she has every right to blame me for all of this. She’s right. I ran away. I was a coward.” I down the liquid and relish the burn all the way down to my stomach.
“What were you supposed to do? Look, you’ve both been to hell and back…”
“She has,” I interrupt. “God knows how many times he’s hurt her. I doubt we’ll ever really know the answer to that, but it will always plague my mind.”
“Listen to me before you go off the deep end. I know you want to believe that things will all work out well in the end, and I hope they fucking do. But maybe you should both get some help. A counselor, maybe. Kally needs to process what’s been happening to her, what she’s lost, and how she can move on now. I know you want to help her, but you’re not a professional, and you need help yourself.”
“Help,” I scoff.
I sit down in my swivel desk chair and move it from side to side. I want to calm this raging inferno of emotions that’s ready to burst at any second, but it’s going to take more than swiveling a goddamn chair.
