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It’d be there forever.
“I literally ran into him. Just by chance…” She shook her head before touching my face again. “I told you I wanted to get a gift for Ramses. I had my paintings still at the house and wanted to give him one of those. Your grandpa happened to be packing up the house, and he didn’t want to tell me about anything that happened between you to. I pushed him…”
My gaze clashed with hers. It borderline sounded like she was defending the older fucker.
“He actually told me to talk to you about all this, and that it wasn’t his place.”
“Yeah, cuz he’s just so perfect,” I said, pulling away from her. “Your savior, and your friend.”
Her head shot back. “No.”
“Your provider.” I swallowed hard before squeezing the bridge of my nose. “Want to know why I didn’t tell you about that summer? Why I wasn’t ready to?”
“It’s obvious why you didn’t. You didn’t trust me.”
“No, that’s the thing, I do. I trust you with everything.” I grabbed her, bracing her. “I love you with everything in me, but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for this and what I know you’ll always see when you look at me.”
She scanned my eyes, her lips turned down, sad. “What’s that, Dorian?”
That was what I felt was obvious. I touched her cheek, following a line up to her eye. “I knew what you’d always see, and I wasn’t ready for that.” I outlined each eye, both of them closing. I snapped mine shut. “You’ll always see a monster in me, and I can’t look at that. I couldn’t see that shit every fucking day, and you will because you won’t forget this. You won’t forget what I’ve done and…”
I mean, how could she? It’d always be there between us, lingering like a silent beast.
She opened her eyes after what I said, and I noticed she averted her gaze. She was right. We probably would get past this. She loved me, and I loved her, but that wasn’t the point. This would always be there.
She’d never forget.
That was what I’d wanted to avoid, and pardon me, for not wanting to jump in and see that between us every day. We were good. We were finally fucking happy, and I didn’t want to let go of any of that.
Of course, these were things I couldn’t make myself say and my own insecurities I was still fucking working on. I would have told her; when I was ready, I would have. I’d just needed time, but it seemed I didn’t have any more of that.
“Well, it’s nice you know me so well,” she said, sarcasm lacing her voice. She eased her arms away. “And you could have given me a chance to hear me out before just jumping to what you think you’ll always see in me.” Her head shook. “You should go.”
I didn’t want to, leave her like this, us like this, but fear was a son of a bitch. Maybe part of me did think I’d lose her, and that would have been so much worse than the beast underlying between us.
That fear did make me leave in the end. I wanted to respect her, but that didn’t stop me from staying by the doorway longer than I probably should have. She cried after she closed it, cried a long time before I finally did leave. Not so long ago, I used to believe her tears gave me power. It meant I’d broken her, and that flawed logic felt like another lifetime away now. Even then, it hadn’t given me power.
It had only deprived me of my strength.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Dorian
My grandfather’s goons made me wait a long time before buzzing me past his gate. In fact, I waited so long I didn’t think my grandpa was going to let me in.
He probably shouldn’t, best for both of us. I didn’t want to be here at all, but I needed to tell him something.
I hoped it would be the last fucking thing.
I was done with the fucker messing with my life, and the people I cared about in it. He’d gotten between me and Noa now, Noa.
“Grandson.” My grandfather didn’t appear surprised to see me, and I was sure he wasn’t. After all, he’d made me wait half a fucking century at his iron gates before one of his lapdogs okayed my way onto the property. I’d been escorted after that, led here today. I stood in what appeared to be some type of parlor when my grandfather finally came into the room of his big-ass house, and now was a good opportunity to see him.
He’d be alone.
I’d skipped school to be here today, my academy jacket and tie on to play up the ruse. I didn’t need my parents asking about why I wasn’t dressed for school when I saw them this morning, and I also didn’t need Sloane’s brother around. I had no issues with the kid, but he might wonder why I’d stopped over here to give my grandfather a piece of my fucking mind.
Which I was going to do.
