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Wolf’s face filled with a charged red color, and normally, that was me. Normally, I showed what I was feeling in that way, and that was the only indicator he was feeling anything. He was holding it all in so well. His thumbs brushed the loose hairs framing my face. “Pretty bad, Red.”
My eyes closed, my fists in a tight squeeze. “How bad?”
I was going to lose it worse than I was already. The only thing that could come next was harsh vomiting, but I was holding it back. I had to.
Wolf’s sigh left his full lips. “It’s a tumor, and it’s not in a great place. It’s in my back again, but any kind of surgery is high risk. It’s too big this time and removal could leave me paralyzed or worse.”
I swear to God the only thing keeping me together at this point was information. It was the only way I was holding on, the need for it too great. “What can be done?”
Again, his silence was sending me over the edge. He scanned my eyes, and his mouth opened. It did, but he wouldn’t speak.
“Please.” I was begging him to talk to me. To give me some kind of hope.
His gaze hit the water once more. He stared at it like there were a million thoughts behind his eyes, but the question was simple. “My doctor started me in a clinical trial last semester, and I was willing to try it since they’ve seen success with cases like mine. I wasn’t feeling many symptoms from the tumor when we started. Mostly tingling and some numbness, but the tumor was growing really fast, and I had to act fast. I thought I could handle treatment on the low and not worry my family.”
Hence the need for a distraction.
I bit deep into my lip. “Did it help?”
“It stopped growing,” he said, and my heart lifted. “It did, and I had to go on a special diet. I lost weight.”
He lost weight.
Of course, he had. Of course, he did. Hindsight was something else. Hindsight was a fucking jerk.
“But there haven’t been any changes in a while,” Wolf continued, and my heart sunk again. “It’s not getting worse, but it’s not getting better either. My doctor wants to start a more aggressive form of treatment. He wants to get ahead of it before it becomes something we can’t deal with. He’s afraid it will start growing again, and if that happens, the odds of a successful removal are slim. The way it looks right now no doctor will touch it. Believe me. I’ve looked.”
An aggression hit his voice, but mine only remained with him and the situation. I was frustrated with him for dealing with this all by himself, and he still clearly was. Again, I would have seen if his family knew about everything since I’d been around them.
He also hadn’t told me.
He hadn’t at first, and that hurt in ways that cut so harshly. It didn’t matter how much his condition... his situation wasn’t about me. I was hurt he hadn’t told me, and I also had frustrations with myself. I was frustrated I hadn’t seen the signs, and there’d been so many.
“Why did you let me run you around all day today, huh? You had to have been hurting.” I blinked down tears. Again, those frustrations. I should have fucking known. I should have seen it. “Why did you do that, and why did you make love to me tonight? I saw how stiff you were. Why would you do these things? Why would you…”
I was shaking because I was so, so scared. I was scared for his life. I was terrified, and if I in any way added to his pain, I’d never forgive myself.
“Hey.” Wolf’s hands never left me, but now, they were focusing me. He made me look at him, his hands firm on my cheeks. “Today was one of the best days of my life,” he admitted, and I instantly started trembling. The dam broke and the tears finally came down my cheeks in a steady stream. Wolf kissed one cheek, then the other. “Being with you has been some of the best days of my life.”
He was talking so finally. Like he really was dying.
My hands locked on to his wrists, my grip strong. “Why didn’t you tell me? You knew this whole time, and you didn’t tell me.”
It didn’t even come out in a scold. I was too terrified. I was in too much pain, and I unfortunately knew pain like this. It was something I never wanted to experience again after my dad had died.
And here we were again. I was deep in the influx of it, and it was so severe. A part of me died that day my father passed, and it was happening once more.
It was ending me.
Wolf guided me to refocus on him, and he was blinking profusely. Like he was fighting with all he had to keep it together for me when he shouldn’t have to. He was the one this was happening to. Not me. “I didn’t because I’m not your problem, Red. You hear me? I’m. Not. Your. Problem. I’m a shit person, Red. I hurt you, and I used you. You understand me?”
I did understand, but what he didn’t was that he was my problem.
Because I loved him.
I fell in love with him, and neither one of us planned for that, but that was what had happened. It had, and he couldn’t take that away. He couldn’t do it any more than he could for himself.
You are it for me, he’d said to me downstairs, and suddenly, all that time we were apart made sense. He’d said he always loved me, but maybe for a while, he couldn’t. Maybe he put it away. Locked it up.
