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No truer words had been said, my guilt hitting once again. I really had been a monster.
I glanced away. “I didn’t tell you because I’m a piece of shit. I’m the guy who intentionally hurt the girl responsible for everything,” I gritted, nostrils flaring. I faced her. “For everything I have. Everything good and wonderful I have is because of you. I’m living because of you.”
And that had just been the beginning. She was still responsible for my reason for existing. My cancer treatment had been hell, and she’d made me fight. She was there, still fucking saving me.
I ended up not being able to look at her and pressed my forehead to hers. Fawn gripped my wrists. “Ares—”
I wouldn’t let her speak, shaking my head. “I’m a piece of shit, Fawn. You saved me, and then I told myself I hated you after that stadium fight. I made myself believe it.” I guided her head up. “And I used you at the first opportunity. I knew you wanted to go to Pembroke. I knew you wanted that internship. I basically stalked the shit out of you after the stadium fight. I’d finally found out who you were then and dug up everything I could.”
She obviously hadn’t known who I was back then, and that hadn’t surprised me. She’d been pretty out of it. My surprise had come from seeing her. I’d never found out who she was, but as soon as I had, I’d looked up everything I could find about her. There hadn’t been much back then, but I’d easily unearthed her dreams and desires. Everyone wanted to talk to the girl who’d provided the photos for the Chaos in the Heartland story, and Fawn had done interviews. She wanted to be a photojournalist like her dad and enroll in Pembroke University’s prestigious photojournalism program. She wanted to work at the New York Times like her dad and make her mark on the world.
She’d already been making her mark. How many articles had I found with her photos, pieces she’d done within her community. It was small stuff in her local newspaper back then, but it’d always been humanitarian pieces. She showed people and their experiences. She uplifted, already doing so much inspiring work that young.
Years later, Thatcher obviously got me more details about her, and I’d written off the search then like I’d done in the past. I’d told myself my initial searches into Fawn’s life were backed by anger. Anger because she’d crossed me and destroyed the image I’d created of her. I’d thought she owed me something after the stadium fight and told myself that was why I was looking into her life. I’d told myself that for months, years, but never the truth. The fact of the matter was, I was completely obsessed with Fawn Greenfield.
Because I loved her.
It was a desperate love, and it made it so easy to do stupid things. Loving her scared me, and I’d fucked it up at the first opportunity.
I studied her, my beacon, my light. Her mouth closed after what I said. Like she wasn’t sure what to say.
I’m sure she thinks you’re insane.
She had to, and I guess she had reason. I mean, I’d gotten a tattoo that reminded me of her. A girl I’d seen once and barely spoken a word to.
I stepped back, but she got my arm. She squeezed. “Is that why you’re trying to punish yourself?”
I didn’t understand what she was saying, and she tugged me closer to her by my arm.
“You’re punishing yourself. Pushing me away.” She took my hands, weaving them together. Hers were small compared to mine. “I see what you’re doing, Ares, and it’s obvious. You’re trying to push me away because you feel guilty about hurting me.”
But I had hurt her, so badly. The things I’d done to her were unforgivable.
“That’s why you lied in your letter,” she continued, and I stared up from our hands. Her head was tilted, her expression sad. “Well, I guess you didn’t lie per se, but you tried to make something look a certain way. Something you did.”
I said nothing, and when I tried to look away, she didn’t let me. She brought my face back with her hand, and it was so hard to look at this girl. I felt so much shame when it came to her. I could write a book on all the ways I’d fucked things up.
She fingered my hair. “You said you’d gotten me my internship with Kurt and made it seem like you did that to use it against me, which isn’t true. It couldn’t be because his office reached out to me about the opportunity before school started. It was toward the end of summer, and you said you got diagnosed again after school began.”
I had, no lies there.
“I realized all that after I thought about it. Took a second.” Her touch felt like heaven against my cheek, and it burned deep in my soul. Everything she was saying was true. So true. She nodded. “You did that, my internship, and that had nothing to do with your cancer. You did that for me. Someone you believed you hated.”
She read between the lines better than I had when everything was happening. I’d told myself I did hate her, but my actions clearly said different.
They always said different.
Fawn was shaking when she placed both hands on my face, and I was too. I was quaking down to my fucking shoes, and I held on to her arms. “You always cared,” she said, her little nose so red. Her smile was small. “Even when you thought you didn’t. Believed you didn’t, but for some reason, you tried to pass that off in your letter. You did, and I thought why would he do that? Why would he want me to believe he didn’t care when he clearly always did?”
Shame once again had me redirecting my focus to the ground, but Fawn brought my head up. “Fawn—”
“You’re trying to punish yourself,” she repeated, swallowing. “You’re keeping yourself from me. You’re hurting yourself for me, but I know what you did, Ares. I know you made mistakes. I know you used me because you were desperate and dying. I know that.”
My eyes shut tight, and I fought when she guided my brow to touch hers. I wasn’t worthy of it. I wasn’t worthy of her.
“Haven’t you suffered enough? Haven’t we suffered enough?” She was keeping me stable with her hands on me, and I couldn’t let go. I didn’t. This girl was my anchor, always. “I’ve forgiven you, so now it’s time to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself like you taught me to do when it came to my dad.”
My arms wove around her then, tired of fighting. I had taught her that, the student better than the teacher. I breathed into her neck. “My heart wanted everything for you even when my stupid fucking brain didn’t,” I admitted, aware of that now, all of it so clear. “I wanted everything for you, Fawn. Your internship and dream of being like your dad…” Again, I knew all about that, researched her. “In high school, I read interviews about you. You talked about it and all the work you wanted to do, and I thought that was so fucking beautiful. I found your community work. It was so fucking beautiful, Fawn. You’re beautiful.”
