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I wasn’t sure of Fawn’s feelings for Wolf, and because I didn’t know, I’d pushed her. I wanted her to figure out her feelings for herself, and if she truly could find happiness with my brother, I wanted her to have that, both of them.
I cared about them.
All my meddling did was work shit up, and I should have known better than to listen to my instincts. They’d been terrible lately and completely unreliable.
“You were just trying to help.” Fawn turned fully in my direction, and I fought my eyes from closing at how floral she smelled, how familiar. I’d had such a crush on this girl back in high school. I hadn’t acted on it then. I hadn’t wanted to take advantage of how vulnerable she’d been after her father died, and then, she was gone. A memory.
History.
Today, I was scared of that history. I feared I was latching on to something and using it as a vice. How easy it would be to read into old emotions and use them to not feel anything.
My mouth dried. “Ever think about when we were in high school?” The words rolled out of my mouth, but once they did, they itched to tread on. “About what might have happened if Cissy hadn’t pulled her shit?”
I didn’t know why I asked her this. I think because, like her, I had my own feelings to figure out. I needed to know if I was reading into things.
Fawn blinked a little, the bright flames of the fireplace bringing out her hazel eyes. “In what way?”
In the way a boy loved a girl, and I think I had loved Fawn. What I didn’t know was if that love was just friendship now.
My jaw moved. “I wonder if we had something back then.” I swallowed. “Or if we would have had something if you hadn’t left. You and me, if we would have had something.”
This was a shit thing to ask after all this drama with Wolf, but it was something I needed to know.
Fawn’s gaze hit the floor, and I felt like a giant asshole. I shouldn’t have said such things. It was stupid and completely inappropriate after everything she’d been through.
But then she grabbed my shirt.
She kissed me, hard, and it happened so fast I didn’t really have time to react. I just knew Fawn’s mouth was on mine, and once it was, I closed my eyes.
I felt.
I sunk into it, working myself into the depths. I wanted to feel something so badly.
Because it was better than everything else I felt.
I had so much rage these days, anger and giving in to something else would be a welcomed relief. I wanted to unearth those old feelings, but when the kiss ended and I was staring at Fawn’s flushed lips, all I saw was a friend. It was a different kind of relief I felt at the realization, a relief for her. Fawn Greenfield was too good to be wrapped up in more shit.
“Bru?”
I blinked, so much concern in Fawn’s eyes. She looked worried, truly worried.
Her head tilted. “You okay?”
I wasn’t, but that had nothing to do with her. I smiled a little. “Fawn, I think we’re just friends.”
It really was a relief actually. I didn’t want her to have to put up with more shit. My brother had given her a mountain-full already, and I didn’t want to add to it.
I had my own mountain.
Last semester hadn’t gone the way I’d liked. It hadn’t by a landslide. I had thought being away in another country would help, but all my problems did were chase me. They’d hounded me until I’d given in. I’d been a shaken bottle ready to explode.
And I had.
I had so bad, and that mountain I had I still climbed. I could definitely see what all this was now with Fawn. I think I’d wanted to lean into those old feelings and use them as a crutch.
A vice.
I tried to silence the little destructive voice in my head, and there was a lack of surprise on Fawn’s face after what I said. She nodded. “I know.”
