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At one point, he smiled, and I did too. It was nice to smile after today. So much had happened today.
The air emptied of sound after the final note my dad and I played, the moment over. I sat back after, kind of awkward.
“Not bad,” Dad said, and I laughed, chuckling lightly.
“Not bad yourself,” I returned. I placed my hands in my lap. “Never hear you play anymore. It was cool.”
I think, like me, it hurt him to do so. My grandmother (his mother) loved her music so much, and I think the only reason we did do it was for her. It was hurtful for both of us. In different ways, but yeah.
Dad’s hands stayed on the keys for a second, his expression tight, his smile tight. It didn’t look like what I said bothered him, but I wasn’t sure he knew how to respond. I knew the feeling. I loved my pop, but we didn’t talk a whole lot, both of us awkward, I guess. I usually talked to my mom about things like tonight. She’d pulled me aside at the hospital, done her mom thing and fawned all over me. That was just what she did, and I was never hard up for that part of my life when it came to her. It was like she overcompensated for Dad, but she didn’t need to. My dad may not be very open with his emotions, but I knew it wasn’t because he didn’t love me or anything. That was just his way, and I got that. I respected and loved my dad. I loved him so much.
“I’m glad I caught you,” he said in the evening air. The dim light from the wall sconces softly illuminated his broad frame. Especially when it rose with breath. He faced me. “What you did… for Aspen was so brave, son.”
I had to release a breath hearing him say that. I wasn’t sure how his reaction would be to what had clearly been a desperate and dangerous move. It was one I didn’t regret, but I could see him being angry. Things could have gone completely different than how they’d gone. I messed with my hands. “I know I probably shouldn’t have gone into the hospital.”
I’d had to, though. There hadn’t been an option. That fucker had had Snowflake and…
My dad’s hand coming onto my arm caused me to gaze up. He squeezed once, then moved it to the back of my neck, and I fell into a state as calm as when my mom and sister had hugged me today. When it was all over and I got to see them again. When I knew everything was okay. It was the same feeling I had when I’d hugged Snowflake after everything was over as well as another time tonight. It was after I’d asked if I could take her home.
“I love you.” Aspen had said that, and it was like the world had started singing. Like every cliché thing that could have happened in that moment actually happened to me. Like feeling like you could dance and sing when I wasn’t the best at the first and couldn’t do the latter for shit. I would have sung a fucking opera tune, though, after she said what she had.
And how quickly I’d said it back.
It was how I felt, so that was what I’d done, and so much comfort and calm came with that. It was crazy because I’d felt so vulnerable earlier that day and still had, but she’d done something so amazing for me in that moment. She made me feel calm and okay, and though this was a different feeling of comfort, I felt it again here with Dad. I’d been so happy to see him after it was all over.
Dad squeezed my neck again, and his face flashed with something. Whatever it was made his face so red, and my heart thudded. “Dad?”
“You are amazing, Thatcher,” Dad stated, nodding. My mouth parted, but no words came out. Not one. His eyes crinkled in the corners. “Sometimes I find it hard to believe you’re my son. You’re so strong. So… so much better in so many ways than I’ve ever been and probably could ever be.”
I didn’t understand him saying this. In two seconds, he could have been in that hospital too. He would have done that for my mom, me, my sister, or anyone he cared about. I swallowed. “You would have gone into that hospital too, Dad.”
“I’m not just talking about that.” He gazed down. “You have handled your life with such grace. With such strength. Everything with your grandmother has been hard. I know it’s hard for you, but you show up every day. You’re there for her. You’re there for this family and…” He braced my neck. “You’re there for me. I look to you as the example. A way to be better. Your heart is so big, son, and I know you get that from your mom.”
He looked… to me? I blinked, my face hot. “I look to you, Dad.”
He let go, waving me off. I’d never seen my dad like this. We didn’t really talk much. Not unless it was about business really or more neutral topics. I got that, though. Everything we were all going through with Gram was so hard.
Dad shook his head. “I admire you, son. Your heart is so big. So open. You let people in, and you’re not afraid to show what you feel. I see you with your friends. You’re the life of the party, and you definitely get that from your mother too. That likability and the ability to make people feel good. To just have a good time and be joyful, vulnerable.” His head cocked at me. “You’re not afraid to just be yourself, and I admire that so much about you.”
My breath stammered now, my chest fucking locked. I didn’t know what to say or how to be. I actually did all I could not to be that way around my dad. He’d never say it, but I always thought he saw that side of me as weak. Soft. It was something I couldn’t always easily put away, and I wanted to be like him. He was always so strong, and I wanted to be like him.
“You’re not afraid to love and to be loved,” Dad continued, his smile small. “Your mom had to fight hard to get through to me, but you make that easy for people. You’re so open, and you trust people. You don’t shut the world out like I do. You step up. You’re visible, and you don’t disappear when you’re going through something.”
But didn’t I? I mean, no one knew about everything at camp all those years ago. No one but my friends, my brothers…
Even they hadn’t found out about things until after the fire. I’d done all that shit on my own, taken care of shit, but after, it’d taken a part of me. It didn’t matter if I’d killed a monster. I’d still killed someone, taken a life.
I’d literally spilled everything to my friends after it all happened. I couldn’t keep what I’d done in, and I’d felt weak then. I felt soft. I should have been able to take care of my shit, but I’d run to my friends like a little bitch. I’d vomited so much that night. Especially when I’d told them about Coach, what he’d done to me…
I just kept thinking back then, and even now, that my dad wouldn’t have broken down like that. He would have been able to handle things and keep a lock on his shit. He would have handled his business like a Reed and not gone to his friends for emotional support. It’d been bad when I’d told my friends. They’d been angry, but not at me. They’d wanted to go back and set another fire. They’d wanted to burn Coach’s entire world down, even though he no longer existed in it, and it had taken goddamn everything to keep their mouths shut about everything. They’d urged me to tell my parents, but I…
They’d been the only ones who knew about my past until I had to say something today. I had to protect Snowflake above everything, and it was one of the hardest things I’d ever done in my goddamn life. I’d kept thinking she’d look at me differently after she knew. That she’d see me as something weaker, lesser… I couldn’t be that way in front of her, and especially in front of my dad. He was so strong.
“You don’t disappear like I did,” Dad said, rubbing my shoulder. “I have faded away after everything going on with your grandmother, and I’m sorry about that, son. I’m so sorry.”
He didn’t have to apologize, and he was breaking me right now. My chest hurt, so fucking tight.
“The way you’ve handled everything teaches me something,” he continued, nodding. “You’ve taught me how things should be. I wasn’t raised to express what I’m feeling, and I’m going to do better. I left you alone in this, Thatcher, and I’m so sorry about that.”
