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“Good,” I say. “And not good. They need to be trapped and neutered. I messed everything up. But I can’t deal with this right now. Take me away.”
Veronica tries to protest some more. But I just assure her not to worry a couple more times as I climb on the back of Ruin’s bike.
And then we’re riding, fast like the wind, my hair trailing behind me, the sun on my face, the bike vibrating beneath me and the road whispering of better times as the tires slide along it.
I’ve yearned for freedom for years, but I had no idea how to actually describe it. I was abducted before I had any real concept of it, and I’ve been trapped in my own head ever since. But this wild ride comes close to what I think freedom might be.
9
Ruin
Somehow, I just knew she needed a good long ride so that’s what I gave her. All over the hills surrounding Pleasantville, through the forests, down country lanes bordered by nothing but grass and flowers, along the freeway full of other cars. I wanted to just keep going. Not stop until we reach the ocean. Or the mountains. Or anywhere that we can start over. I told myself I wanted that for her, but I wanted it for me too.
If anything, the beating I gave Fossil made them all like me more.
“Finally, you show your true colors again,” Fossil had said when I returned to the Inn that night, lisping slightly because I messed up his mouth pretty bad.
“You are one of us,” Bane said. “I never doubted it for a minute.”
That hurt worse than any beating I’ve ever gotten.
And then we spent the night playing poker and drinking in that nasty bar and I barely got any sleep in the same nasty, smelly room as the night before. I wish we at least had some intel to show for all the breaking this mission is causing in my mind. But if Fossil, Bane and Archer are passing secrets to our enemies, they’re not doing it in person, on the phone or by passing notes.
They’re especially not doing it via Joker, the guy who seems to actually live at the Fire & Heart Inn. So I guess we’re living there now too. Places like that used to be my everyday. By this morning, the grip pulling me back to my old life was so strong and unrelenting that I very nearly didn’t show up to today’s date with Ariel.
What’s the point? I’m no good. Just a lowlife killer pretending he can have a normal life. I was warned off Ariel by practically everyone. First Chance, speaking on behalf of his girlfriend, Veronica. Then Hunter and Trixie, who both said that she needs to be handled with care. Everyone else also agreed I can’t provide the type of care she needs. No matter how much I want to. I figured they were all right.
All that went through my mind all night. Louder and louder until it was screaming. Nothing could shut it up. Not even Ariel’s late-night text asking if we’re still on.
But I answered the text, and I showed up.
And it’s good that I did. Because she needed me.
I pull into the parking lot of a roadside restaurant. It has a big sign saying Bikers Welcome, but actually looks like a nice clean place.
“You up for some lunch?” I ask as I stop the bike. “I’m starving.”
She dismounts first, her cheeks rosy from the wind, her blue eyes sparkling way better than the sky. Her long silky hair is a golden halo around her pretty face.
“I’m starving too,” she announces then slips her arm under mine and leads the way to the restaurant.
It’s just a burger and fries type of joint. I wish it was a five-star restaurant or at least something nicer. But it has a great view of the redwood covered hills that hide our hometown.
“I made such an ass of myself today,” she says after we place our order and are sitting at one of the outdoor wooden tables. “I hope I didn’t mess everything up.”
“I’m sure you didn’t,” I say. She’s staring at the redwood covered hills and looking into her eyes is like looking at the reflection of the world, only better. I wish I had something more bracing to comfort her with.
She looks at me and grimaces, squinting her perfect eyes. “I’m sure they all think I’m crazy now. And I really thought joining that non-profit was a way forward for me. I’ve been stuck for so long. But I blew that chance now.”
“They’ll understand,” I say. “What set you off? The cages?”
She winces, but nods. “Yeah. They unnerved me when I first saw them back at the gym and then when that trapped cat was banging against it… I just snapped.”
“Because you know what that’s like,” I say quietly.
Her eyes fix on mine in a way they never have before. With interest. With a desire to really talk to me? Because I don’t think she’s wanted to do that before. Not really.
“I do,” she says. “I thought I’d dealt with it. Thought I put it behind me with all the therapy and taking it easy and all that. But clearly, I only stuffed it way down in my mind… I couldn’t even repress it well, seeing how easily it all came back up again after seeing a cat in a cage. A cat that’s gonna be better for being in that cage. Unlike me.”
