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“Oh, yes. Seen it a million times. It’s awful.”
“I’ve never even heard of Spotted Cabin Fever.”
“Are you from around here? The Northeast?”
“No.Arizona, originally.”
“There you have it,” Devil said. “Tick borne diseases are a real problem up here in Pennsylvania, and let me tell you something, they are no joke.”
Now Nikki was actually rather impressed. She’d seen Devil throw down some serious levels of bullshit, but this was another level. She looked at him quizzically, and he mouthedYoutubeback to her by way of explanation.
“Well,” Harris said, sounding resigned, “I suppose if you have to.”
“Okay, then,” Devil said, looking around the exam room, clearly trying to figure out how he was going to do a rectal exam while having no idea what was actually involved in such an exam. “Okay. We will do this. Yes.”
Nikki shook her head at him. Half of her was really, really impressed he’d gotten them this far, and the other half wanted to swat him across the bald head for getting them into a position where they were about to anally violate an FBI agent.
He saw her look, too, and knew what it meant. Once again, he held his hands up, nothing he could do, nothing he could do. They had to keep Harris facing away from his cell phone while Benny’s virus phone finished doing its thing.
“Let’s begin, then,” he said, taking a few deep breaths. “Nurse, hand me the hydrospanners.”
Hydrospanners?she mouthed to him, and he just shrugged and pointed to the first metallic object that he saw sitting on a nearby tray of instruments.
She saw what he was pointing at, and shook her head desperately. She knew why he picked it. It looked vaguely gun-like, with a handle on it, and he clearly thought he could figure out how to use it on the fly.
No no no, she wanted to shout at him.I am not going to let you try to shove a vaginal speculum up this man’s ass.
He nodded at it again, and she shook her head again. Finally, he nodded, made a pantomime with his hands of inserting the speculum up Harris’s ass, and then nodded again insistently.
God forgive me, she thought, and gave him the speculum.
“All right, then,” Devil said, turning the instrument over and over in his hands, trying to figure out which end was which. “Just relax. You’re going to feel a bit of pressure as I insert the probe.”
Nikki couldn’t watch. Devil didn’t even have a clue as to what he was holding, much less how he was going to use it. Yes, she’d been told Harris was a bad person, but there was some things she just didn’t think she could witness up close andpersonal like this, so she simply handed Devil a tube of medical grade lubricant and put her hands over her eyes.
It might have been a mistake, the not looking. Now all she could do was let her imagination run wild, from the sounds of Devil squeezing what sounded like all of the lube in the world onto the speculum, to the rustle of Harris’s pants as he bent over the exam table.
Now, Harris’s voice, coming from past her closed fingertips. “Aren’t you supposed to put me under for something like this?”
Devil’s voice. “I am? I am… I am not supposed to do that, ever since the changes in the Geneva protocols.”
“The what?”
“Geneva protocols… basically, we try to avoid unnecessary use of heavy anesthetic. It’s been found to lead to peripheral vascular carditis. Now, try to relax for me…”
A tiny, quiet, and awful squishing sound, and then…
“Ow!Ah, God!”
“Just relax, now.”
“I can’t… ah! That really hurts! Is it supposed to hurt like that?”
“Deep breaths. Ease into it.”
“I can’t… I can’t!”
“There we go! All right. I’m in there,” Devil said, sounding as if he were surprised more than anything. He actually took a step back from Harris and looked over his handiwork. “It’s… it’s really in there.”
