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Dylan
I don’t know what to do with myself. Eli calls me the Viper Vortex. I’m always going somewhere or doing something. I don’t think I stop moving unless I’m pinned down, which I don’t mind either. Nearly all of the things that make me who I am feel so far away.
It’s not like I haven’t had an injury ever. This one just feels different. It’s more personal. I have so much to prove, not only to myself but to anyone who doubts me. Jill needs me. The Roark Foundation and our offshoot needs me. I need Elyse out of our business. I need me. I guess I’m sort of back where I started about a year ago. Who am I without dance?
I’m at war with myself. I can hear both sides of me talking. I have one side going, okay this is totally a setback. You screwed up and didn’t stretch or something. Fine. I’ll make it back. They didn’t say surgery so breathe. Then the other side is, how could you be so careless? You knew better than to try something you’ve never done before without proper instruction. You don’t know everything. You’ve given up extra classes. That’s why you’re here.
My brain is on overload and, along with the pain, I’ve shut down. I think I’ve done that only a handful of times and Eli has seen them all. The streets go by outside my window. We stop in traffic, I don’t move. Eli asks a question; I answer in as few words as possible. Our song comes on the radio. I can feel his eyes trying to find me in my darkness. His hand squeezes mine.
I close my eyes and let the music and lyrics try to unlock me away from the fear and sadness. All I want is you. Am I the you he wants without what makes me, me?
We park in the garage. Eli comes over to get me. He pulls me into his arms like a knight carrying his maiden in distress to safety. I awkwardly hold the crutches to the side. He never wavers in his strength. That’s his superpower. I wonder if he knows that. I know I’ve never told him. He lays kiss after kiss on my head the entire elevator ride up and with every step down the hallway.
“Eli?”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry.”
He settles me on the bed in our room. I let the crutches fall quietly against the wall. Eli adjusts the pillows behind my back and beneath my leg before he responds. With a gentle touch, he lifts my chin with the pad of one finger, so I look into his eyes. “Why do you keep apologizing?”
“For having to take care of me. For my mood. For everything.”
He sits down on the edge of the bed at my side. His strong body barely fits in the bit of real estate I’ve left him. “I take my vows to heart, Viper. In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. This will pass, Dylan. I’ll believe that enough for the both of us, until you can.
“I’m not going to lie and say I know how you feel, or even what to do for you right now. I’m at a loss, actually. The only thing I want you to know is you dancing to the level you’re used to isn’t what’s most important to me. What’s important is that you know how much I love you. You are not your feet. It’s not about the movement of your body. It’s how you move my heart that matters. You could be on two feet or none and it wouldn’t change a thing for me. I love you.”
For the first time since my collapse to the floor, I feel a fire. I feel my fire. This deep depression I’ve fallen into finally has some cracks in it. Eli’s fairy-tale-like love for me is breaking the ice I’ve been frozen in. He traces the bit of hair framing my face away from my cheek and tucks it behind my ear. I reach up and thread my fingers through his, pressing my thumb into his palm.
Pulling his hand away from my cheek, I bring it to my lips, kissing it over and over again like he did to me on the entire walk up here. I let go of his hand to cup his face. Leaning in, I allow my lips to ghost over his in the only dance I’m capable of right now. Nearly the only one.
“I need you, Eli.”
He sighs so hard it turns into a sweet groan. “Baby, we can’t.”
“Why can’t we? I want to feel not broken. I want to feel in control of one thing. Just one.”
I tug on the zipper of my hoodie. The teeth give way slowly, one by one. Eli’s eyes don’t focus on the skin that becomes visible to him. They look through me into my heart, my soul. His lips part just enough so I not only can see him breathing, but I can hear him.
His hands meet mine at the point where the sides of my sweatshirt part. They slide inside the fabric and cup around the top of my hips. Eli’s fingers flex and contract over my skin. They move in time with his chest rising and falling. I give him the hint of a smile as I shrug my shoulders. The fleece floats down my arms to pool at my hands. I remove it arm by arm before tossing it to the other side of the bed.
Eli traces his fingers over every rib he can see below my sports bra. I can feel the chills rise from my core. “Your skin is so soft, Viper.”
His eyes follow his fingers like they’re creating a road map. I feel like he’s trying to memorize me. All the applause and the accolades I could ever receive can’t compare to the worship Eli’s giving me on this bed and inside these walls. He understands I need to feel the words he’s given me.
I lie back on the pile of pillows behind my back. My head perches just on the top one. While watching him watch me, I reach for the zipper on my bra. Eli stops me with more words. “Leave it. Let me.”
Eli presses his lips with a smile just above my belly button as he reaches for the tab. Now I’m the one who wishes it would move faster. I think he’s taking it overly slow on purpose. The swell of my breasts begins to release as they are freed from their confines. He leans over giving each one a gentle kiss.
My hands slide into his hair with every hope of holding him still. His husky chuckle vibrates against my skin as he sinks lower and lower. He stops at the top of my rolled waistband. His fingers are now in a delicate dance, giving me the impression he’s debating should he or shouldn’t he remove them.
I know the answer to his question.
I arch my back up so he can slide them past my hips and down to my thighs. Now I can sense his fear. He doesn’t want to hurt me. I offer him the only encouragement I can. “Go slow. The only way you’ll hurt me is if you stop.”
Eli takes the material down a fraction at a time, taking careful movements until he reaches my toes. The cool rush of air in the room sends a chill over my whole body. This time, it doesn’t stop, even with his skin warming mine. He can see I’m determined. I’ve now gotten him to a point where I know he won’t stop either.
“I know you like to give as much as you receive, Viper, however let me give this time. Lie as still as you can.”
