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I hate myself for being so selfish.
And I feel even worse for keeping the truth from him.
But is it wrong if that’s what it takes to keep him safe?
I’m out of time. I can’t keep up this torturous debate. Because he’s right here in front of me. And as much as it frightens me, I already told myself that I would tell him everything. He deserves to know.
Mishka gently brushes the tears from my cheek with the back of his knuckles. The rough pad of his thumb trails behind, and his caress is so gentle, it only makes me cry harder. Fighting for air, I gasp and hiccup with the force of my sobs. I need to pull myself together. I can’t keep avoiding this conversation, and crying isn’t going to help anything.
From the looks of it, I might just break Mishka if I keep it up.
With all the strength I can muster, I steel myself and calm my spasming lungs. It slows my tears enough that I can speak through them. But I’m not quite ready to tell him about the baby. Not right out of the gate. Talk about dropping a bomb on him—I would rather ease into the subject.
So, rather than dive into the deep end, I start tentatively, confessing to the thing that pushed my anxiety past the breaking point today. “I’m worried that I freaked you out by suggesting we should run away together the other night—not after I graduate college, but now. It feels like you’ve been avoiding me since then, and I hate the thought that I chased you off by getting too serious too fast,” I admit, another hiccup cutting me short. “God, I must sound crazy,” I groan.
I should be happy if I scared Mishka off. I’ve told myself that a hundred times, but if I’m being perfectly honest, I can’t stand the thought that a real relationship with me might make him want to break things off. It might save his life, but it would break my heart.
Taking a deep breath, I brace myself for the possibility as I wipe my tears. This is the moment of truth I’ve been dreading, the reality I was perfectly willing to avoid until graduation. I would have been perfectly happy to stay in denial for as long as he would let me—until the moment I found out I was pregnant.
Now, suddenly, we’re out of time.
I peer up at him through wet eyelashes, and to my astonishment, he’s smiling.
I frown, which only seems to trigger his laughter. It’s not one of those head-back, mocking laughs but a low, warm chuckle that makes my heart quiver, even as it stings. But before I can decide if he’s laughing at me, his eyes soften, and it fades.
“Oh, radnaja, you are crazy, but only in the best way,” he teases softly. “It’s one of the things that makes you so irresistible. I promise I’m not avoiding you. I’ve just been working long hours and haven’t had the chance to break away. Not to mention, steering clear of everyone’s suspicion is practically a full-time job at this point.”
“Yeah,” I agree, my voice laced with remorse. “But then why didn’t you say hi to me when you got here today?” I ask, hearing how needy and pathetic the question sounds as soon as it leaves my lips.
Mishka cocks his eyebrow questioningly, and heat warms my cheeks.
“I saw your car outside earlier,” I admit.
Another soft chuckle rumbles through his chest. “The guys were all ready to head out by the time I got here, so I didn’t even make it inside the house.”
“Oh,” I mumble, my embarrassment intensifying as I realize how far out of control I’ve let my fear of rejection get. “So, I didn’t freak you out by asking you to run away with me?” I press hopefully.
Another soft chuckle. God, I love that sound.
“Honestly, I didn’t even consider taking your suggestion seriously because I know how much you want to finish school. I respect how passionate you are about becoming a vet, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I’m willing to wait until then—even if it means we have to keep sneaking around. Hey, I think we’re getting pretty good at it. So, there’s no need to rush, yeah? Stop worrying so much.”
His warm hand cups my cheek, and I can’t help but lean into it, soaking up the comfort in his loving touch. His words fill me with a sense of relief I can hardly fathom. They shouldn’t. I should want him to turn and run the other way, to tell me he’s had enough of my antics. But all I crave in this world is for Mishka to hold me like he is right now.
“Thank you,” I murmur, fresh tears stinging my eyes as I think about how wonderful he is and how little trust I’ve put in him. I’ve wrestled with such massive decisions on my own for weeks, and now, I feel like he’s the one I should have been asking for help all along.
“Really, Alina,” he adds, his voice playful now. “I can’t believe there could even be a shred of doubt in your mind about how I feel for you. In my mind, I’m the one who should worry you’ll reject me after not too much longer.”
His voice swells with passion and sincerity as he leans closer, pressing me against the door with his hips. My objection vanishes on my lips at his sudden proximity, the feel of our bodies aligned with one another. His intoxicating smell permeates my brain, wiping it clean of thought in an instant.
“And if you still want to be with me by the time you graduate,” he continues softly, “I’ll run away with you in a heartbeat. I’m crazy about you, in case you haven’t figured that out by now.” His lips come closer, lingering over mine as if tempting me to kiss him. “Against my better judgment and all my survival instincts,” he breathes, “I’ve fallen for you completely. I love you, Alina. No matter what happens, never doubt that.”
He delivers his confession like it’s a secret that has pained him to keep, and his words make my heart stop completely. Overwhelmed by the devotion in his eyes, I rise onto my toes and kiss him passionately, throwing my arms around his neck.
“I love you too,” I murmur against his lips.
Warmth floods my body, heady relief leaving me giddy, and all I can think about is how perfectly his lips cover mine, how right and safe and warm it feels in his muscular arms. Mishka loves me.
I never thought three words could so effectively wash away my fear and pain.
