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She shrugged. “I do like dessert coffee on occasion, but as a model, every calorie counted. I learned to drink black coffee and prefer it that way now.”
Dev nodded. “When you’re in the field with limited rations, you take what you can get.”
His mention of life in the field made Kian realize how little she knew about this man. “What was it like being a Navy SEAL?”
Dev set the mug of coffee on the counter and stirred the eggs in the pan once more. “These eggs are ready.” He tipped the pan over a plate and scraped half the eggs out before depositing the rest on the second plate, adding toast to each.
As she carried her plate to the bar stool, Kiana figured Dev didn’t want to talk about his time in the military. She wasn’t going to push the issue, though she really wanted to know more about him.
Dev sipped his coffee and took up his fork. “Being a Navy SEAL was perhaps the best and the worst time of my life.”
Kiana was surprised by his words but hid the surprise by popping a forkful of eggs into her mouth. If he wanted to expand on his statement, he would. If not, she’d respect his desire to keep his thoughts to himself.
He chewed on some eggs and swallowed before he spoke again. “The training was hard, physically and mentally. There were times I didn’t think I’d make it—not from lack of trying but from my body’s reaction to the stress. I learned that I could do things I didn’t initially think possible. I learned to rely on my teammates. I also learned that if you hang in there long enough, the bad stuff will pass.”
“Was that the worst part of your life?” she asked softly.
He snorted. “Not actually. It was hard, but coming out of it, I’ve never been so thankful and proud to become a Navy SEAL.”
She lifted her coffee mug and asked casually, “What was the worst part of being a Navy SEAL?”
He stared down at the food remaining on his plate. “Holding one of my SEAL brothers in my arms as he bled out from a shrapnel wound. Watching the helicopter next to yours explode in, killing every soul on board. My teammates, my brothers. Coming home to the States to find your wife has sold all your shit, taken your kids and left you for a goddamn insurance salesman.”
Kiana’s brow furrowed. “Your wife left you?” She hadn’t thought to ask him if he was married, divorced or single.
Dev met her gaze. “No, but I watched too many of my buddies’ marriages fall apart because they were never home. One of my friends, Mack, came back from a really shitty deployment where we lost half the men on our team. He went to his house and found some other family living there. His wife had left him, took his two kids and moved in with another man.”
“The insurance salesman?” she asked.
Dev nodded. “It was the straw that broke Mack. He went out to the beach where we’d done our BUDs training, watched the sunset and blew his brains out.”
Kiana’s stomach roiled. She swallowed hard to keep from losing the few bites of eggs she’d just consumed. When she could speak again, she reached out and touched Dev’s arm. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged. “Sometimes, I think he took the easy way out. Life is hard enough when you’re dodging bullets and getting hit with shrapnel, but those are physical pains. When the person who’s supposed to love, honor and cherish you shoots you in the back, how do you recover from that?” He shook his head. “It’s hard to go back to work after something like that.”
“Is that when you decided to leave the Navy?”
“The whole chain of events contributed to my decision, but Mack’s suicide sealed it for me. We’d lost so many of our team, to lose one more...” Dev stared at his hands.
Kiana’s heart pinched hard in her chest. She wished she could take away this man’s pain but knew she couldn’t.
“The team wasn’t the same,” he said. “I’d lost my stomach for war and death.” For a long moment, he sat looking at his plate. Then he glanced up. “We’re not getting any closer to finding your friend sitting around here while you’re listening to my sob story. Let’s go talk to Joe Akana.”
Kiana washed dishes while Dev dried, thinking about Dev’s losses and comparing them to hers. Losing Carl had been nothing. She’d suspected she hadn’t really been in love with the man but more in love with the idea of having someone in her life.
She’d realized then that she had people in her life who cared about her. Even if her mother had abandoned her, she had her sisters, Meredith and Tish. And, like Dev, the thought of losing them was too much to bear.
Damn it.
She had to think positive. Tish would get better. With Dev’s help, they’d find Meredith, come hell or high water.
Chapter 10
For the first fifteen minutes of the drive to Joe Akana’s place, Dev wallowed in the black cloud he hadn’t allowed himself into for a while. Talking about what had happened on his last mission with his SEAL team and Mack’s subsequent suicide brought back the heaviness he’d experienced at the time.
The overwhelming feeling of doom that had plagued him for months and had made him walk away from the only job he’d ever known and loved returned in full force.
“Hey.” Kiana touched his arm. “I’m sorry if I brought back bad memories.”
