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“And one more thing, Ms. Hunt,” Parker added, “unless anyone has an objection, I was going to remove the provision designation and clear you for full duty after the holiday break.”
Jessie looked over at Ryan anxiously.
“No objection here,” he said with a smile, managing to sound convincing, though she wondered if being put on the spot was impacting his response.
“Great,” Parker replied. “That’s all I’ve got for you right now, other than to congratulate you on closing this thing.”
“Thanks, Captain,” Ryan said.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” Jessie added. “And no offense, but here’s hoping we don’t see you again until next week.”
“No offense taken,” Parker assured her.
After they hung up, Ryan wrapped his arms around her and squeezed tight.
“I wanted to do that at the station, but you rushed out so fast.”
“Sorry,” Jessie said. “I wanted to be here when Hannah got home.”
“I get that.”
“Hey, are you genuinely good with me coming back?” she asked, “Or was that answer just for show for your boss?”
He paused before replying. When he did, it was with a shy, dimpled grin.
“Can I get away with saying that I’m getting there?” he asked.
“Is that because you’re still adjusting to reporting to Parker or because of me?” Jessie asked.
“The Parker thing is a nothing-burger,” he told her. “I wanted to step down as captain to focus on HSS. I recommended her as my replacement. Now she is. She doesn’t do everything the way I would, but that’s on me to work through, not her.”
“That sounds very evolved,” Jessie told him, not sure if she believed every word. “What about the part about me returning in general—are you good with that?”
When he answered, his eyes were filled with concern.
“I want to be fully on board, but I also want to make sure you’re back to your old self again.”
“Ryan,” she said, taking his hand in hers, “I think we both know that day may never come.”
He smiled ruefully at that.
“Speaking of, how are you feeling after all this craziness—really?”
“Not too bad,” she said. “No terrible headaches of late. No new injuries incurred during the case. I can’t always say that, so you know, baby steps.”
He nodded and kissed her on the forehead. She could feel the energy in the room change and knew what was on his mind. She decided to beat him to the punch.
“Sorry again about that ‘kids opening presents at Christmas’ crack,” she said. “I shouldn’t have gone there when I asked you not to.”
“Yeah, what was that about?” Ryan asked.
She looked up at him. His eyes were searching, borderline wounded. She decided to just be straight with him.
“I guess it was my anxiety leaking out inappropriately,” she conceded. “I have to tell you—I’m just not sure if I’ll ever be up for children. First of all, I feel like I’m only just now getting back on my feet after being out of commission for so long. Add to that, I’ve been battered and bruised so much in the last few years that my body constantly aches, and that’s without the headaches. I feel like I have some real physical limitations now and I’m not sure if my body is going to bounce back, much less how it would handle the challenges of a pregnancy. It’s a little scary.”
“Okay,” Ryan replied carefully.
“And of course, there’s the miscarriage too,” she said quietly. “You know, I still have dreams sometimes.”
