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“Get out of your head.”
Sheepishly, I give him a slight grin. “Hard to do sometimes,” I confess.
“I get that, but there’s no need. You’ve got it more together than half this town, so stop second-guessing yourself every step of the way.”
I try to really hear his words, and while I do, it’s still hard to accept them sometimes. My parents washed their pristine Christian hands of me when I found out I was pregnant and refused to give up the baby, and I’ve been on my own a long time. My dad was a minister, and they couldn’t fathom why I was ruining my life by having a child out of wedlock. Despite praying for me, they ultimately decided my pregnancy was too much for their faith to handle and chose to cast me aside. Within months, my dad relocated to another church, and I haven’t spoken to them since. I’ve only ever had myself to rely on, along with a handful of close friends who I consider family.
That’s why I have to forget that kiss Friday night happened.
I can’t—no, I won’t—risk TD because I let my hormones get the best of me.
Of course, those hormones have been lying dormant for a really long time. I haven’t dated much recently. Okay, fine. I haven’t dated at all. There was one guy when Brody was eight, but that fizzled and burned out after only a handful of dates. In fact, I quickly realized he was only after one thing, and once he got it, he moved on to someone else.
Since, I’ve devoted every free minute of my time and every ounce of energy to my son, not that I didn’t do that before I met Mike, but after he all but ghosted me after getting what he wanted, I realized dating just wasn’t for me.
Men are just too much work.
Clearing my throat and pushing thoughts of Mike from my head, I ask, “Are you ready for Friday’s game?”
He nods, finishing off his lunch and shoving the container back in the bag. “Yeah, we’re ready. Westwood’s O-line is tough, so we’re working on ways to get the ball outside as fast as possible. We know they’ll be looking for the pass to Brody, so we’re pushing plays with the tight ends too. Gonna be a fun one.”
“I can’t wait,” I tell him after swallowing a small bite of cantaloupe. “It’s still hard to believe he’s a senior. It feels like yesterday I was getting him ready for kindergarten. Now, he’s on the verge of adulthood and about to step out into the world on his own.” I try to keep the emotions I’ve been wrangling at bay, but it’s hard. I didn’t expect to feel this level of sadness overcome me.
“Has Brode given any indication on what he wants to do after graduation?” TD asks.
With a sigh, I close the lid on my lunch container and reach for the bag. TD takes it, adding my trash to his. “No, he hasn’t. Anytime I ask about it, he just shrugs and says he has time to figure it out. But honestly? I think he has an idea, and he doesn’t want to say.”
“What makes you say that?” TD’s eyes are intense and focused, as if he’s suddenly concerned along with me.
“Well, he gets this look in his eyes every time I bring it up. Like a flash of eagerness, only to watch him hide it as quickly as possible. The first couple of times, I assumed I misread him, but now I don’t think I have. What if he’s wanting to go away somewhere and is afraid to tell me? I’ve always reassured him he can come to me with anything, but I’m going to be honest, if he tells me he wants to study abroad in Paris or Japan, I’m not sure I can handle that.” Then another idea hits me with the force of a thousand bricks to the chest. “Oh, God. What if he wants to go into the military? Not that the military isn’t an honorable choice with so many career opportunities, but…”
“Breathe, El,” he whispers, leaning forward and placing his big, warm palm on my bare knee. I try to ignore the jolt of electricity that simple, comforting touch possesses, but it’s difficult.
I do as instructed, first with one calming breath, followed by a second. “You’re right. If he were to choose the military, I would be so proud of him. It would just be equally as hard, you know?”
He gives me a small smile. “Yes, El, I do know. Your boy holds a very special place in my heart, and the thought of him going away like that tears me up inside too, but whatever he chooses, you’ve given him everything he needs to take that step toward his future. You’ve given him roots and wings.”
I shake my head, processing his statement. I know Brody means a lot to my closer friends, especially since they’ve been right beside me every step of the way through raising him, but to actually hear TD say it does something to me. I know Brody loves TD, which is why us maintaining our friendship is so important to me.
Because it’s not just about me.
It’s about Brody too.
“Thank you for bringing me lunch. And for the talk,” I say, knowing he’s going to have to return to work soon.
“You’re welcome,” he replies, getting up and confirming my suspicion. He ties a knot with the handles of the bag, preparing to throw it in the nearest trash can. “Don’t worry about Brody, El. I’m serious. He’s a great kid and no matter where he goes in this world, he’s going to do amazing things.”
Tears fill my eyes and a lump forms in my throat, so I just nod in reply.
He bends down and places a chaste kiss on my forehead. My lips tingle with anticipation, but thankfully, he doesn’t kiss me there. Not that I don’t want him to. In fact, that’s the problem. I do.
“Enjoy your afternoon, El.”
“I will,” I quickly insist, reaching for the book I’ve been lost in. “Don’t work too hard, Thomas.”
His eyes narrow before he slides sunglasses onto his face. “You’ll pay for that,” he states with a hint of humor in his voice before he turns to walk back to his squad car, tossing our trash in the bin as he goes.
A shiver sweeps through me.
