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He’s mere inches from me when I gaze up at him. “Are you miserable?”
“Endlessly…” he sighs.
No, you’re not. You’re acting.
I close my eyes. I can’t look at him. Can’t let myself feel real things right now. I have to shut down.
“William, I hardly know what we can do,” I almost whisper, turning from him.
Kai grabs my hand, and I want to pull away, but I let him spin me around and press his lips into mine.
Shut down. Don’t feel.
I become Elaine, fully. I kiss William the way the audience will want me to. I don’t open my eyes. I don’t allow myself to feel.
It’s cold, emotionless. George can probably tell, but hopefully, he’ll let me off the hook. I’ll try to do better tonight with an audience.
After a moment, Kai pulls away. His voice is sad. “I survived the war so I could come home to you. It’s so clear to me now. And I’m never going to let you go.”
When I finally look at him, my heart breaks. I don’t know how I’m going to do this for months.
I want more than he can give me.
I can’t do this.
But I have to.
***
Later that afternoon, at the Conservatory Garden, I stand in my vintage red dress while a makeup assistant applies light mascara, and a stylist touches up Kai’s hair nearby.
He’s staring off into the distance, scratching his jaw absently. He wears a dress shirt, but the stylist has intentionally left it unbuttoned halfway down. My eyes are drawn to the dark hair on his chest and the planes of muscle that peak through.
I swallow.
Suddenly, he glances up at me.
Oh, no. I avert my gaze and focus on a tiny purple flower growing between two rocks at my feet. Spring is revealing itself early.
It feels foreign, openly admitting to myself how badly I want him. For every ounce of me that wholly detests Nick’s lips on mine, another thousand ounces yearn for Kai’s.
I know I’ll get to kiss him for the next three months, but only because the script tells me to. I have a love-hate relationship with that script.
I slowly lift my gaze back to his. He’s watching me silently. The crew members are chatting and discussing camera angles from nearby, but I barely hear them. I just watch him, and he watches me. He smiles and sits down on the edge of the fountain to wait for our call. I wonder what it would be like to straddle him, rest my hands on those broad shoulders, and tell him I’m finally ready to be with him, no strings attached…
“Sophie!” George shouts from nearby.
I jump nearly half a foot. “Uh, yeah, George…” I turn and make my way over to him. I swear I hear Kai laughing in my wake.
“We like the way the sun is peeking through the trees just there.” He points across the small meadow. “We’d like to have you both in front of the fountain. We’re doing a really wide shot on this one. So, just chat, smile at each other, look like you’re having fun. Pretend you’re infatuated with each other.”
I clear my throat. “Ok, uh, yeah we can do that.”
“Kai, did you hear that?” he calls over. “We just need you both to do that fantastic chemistry thing you do so well.”
Kai pushes up from the fountain and nods with a smirk. “Yep, let’s go do that chemistry thing.”
I join him at the fountain, and the same photographer, Marc, who took our first promotional shots wraps a thick wool blanket around Kai’s shoulders. I recognize it as a prop from the play. It’s the blanket we lay on during the scene Elaine and William first make love.
