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I’ve imagined killing myself before, but those were half-hearted what-ifs all humans ponder at one point or another. With those thoughts, it’s more curiosity than intention behind them. But now?
Once again, I lean over the edge of the cliff, and the scene plays out in my mind with vivid clarity.
I take a step, but my foot lands on nothing but air. Here begins the descent toward the sharp rocks below. My last sensation is that of flying, falling, just moments before hitting the jagged rubble. The impact is excruciating for a split second, but then, peace. At last, some fucking peace.
My body, bloody and broken, is a gruesome sight, but it’s a necessary sacrifice.
Will I join Mom in the afterlife? The thought is comforting, but if all I become are bones and dust, that’s fine, too.
People keep asking me what my plan is after graduation. Where will I go? What will I do?
But all I see is a black void of nothing.
This is my great revelation in my state of enlightenment: I can’t make out the future for myself past my eighteenth birthday, and it’s because I won’t live to see it.
The only question is, do I end it now, or do I hold out until June? To the moment where my future fades to black?
I take a deep breath through my nose and close my eyes in meditation.
And then I’m falling. And I scream.
I scream because I hadn’t made my choice yet.
I wasn’t ready for this.
But as I fall toward my death, there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
My back slams against the soft ground, catching me in a pillow of tufted grass. I expected to be impaled by a rock, to feel my bones shatter the moment before I left this world.
“Malishka, open your eyes.”
Alek is not the person I expected to meet first in death. They say you’re greeted by your loved ones when you cross over, but Alek is still alive. Perhaps my soul is manifesting his image in the afterlife.
My eyes flutter open, and there he is. He’s holding me in his tight embrace on the ground, our bodies entwined like ivy. His chiseled face hovers over mine, and I lose myself in the infinite ocean of his eyes. I bring my hand up and run my fingers through his thick, sandy hair.
He’s an exquisite angel of death.
“Did I die?”
“No, Willow. You’re here with me.”
It’s unsettling to hear him call me by my name, but it brings me back to reality. The grass tickles my arms and legs, and the sea breeze brushes my face. But my heart is pounding like a hummingbird’s wings, my lungs breathless.
“Don’t make me jump after you,” he says. His lips skim my jawline with whispers of a kiss.
He pulled me from the ledge.
“I wasn’t actually going to do it. At least, not today, I think.”
Alek tightens his embrace and leans his forehead against mine. I didn’t know he was capable of such a tender touch, which is in stark contrast to the guy who terrorized me only a couple of nights ago.
I’m hyper–aware of how close we are, and for reasons beyond my comprehension, I feel safe in his arms.
I shouldn’t, but I do.
“Talk to me,” he whispers. “I need to know what’s going through your mind.”
This is all happening so fast, and yet, time is at a standstill. Up is down and east is west, and Alek is my savior. Nothing makes sense right now.
