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I’m good at a lot of things, but protecting my heart is the one thing I’ve excelled at over the years.
As I push forward, my thoughts play the last few weeks on repeat. The choices I made. The reasons I made them. It’s like I can shut it off. So, I run. Like I’ve always done. Like I always do. Run. The irony of this does not escape me. I’ve spent my life building walls and running away from almost every meaningful relationship, or anything that even comes close to one, in my lifetime.
Surprisingly, that one night I spent with Parker Nallen threatens to ruin what I’ve spent so much time trying to control. I don’t know why he affects me the way he does, and I still don’t have an answer after eight miles. I push forward to my finish line in hopes of releasing the chaos of my introspection, even if it is just for a little while.
No one in my life ever understands the reasons why I stay away from relationships other than my core group of friends.
In my experience, relationships make you vulnerable. Vulnerability gets you hurt. Hurt is something I’ve had enough of. I work hard to minimize my hurt. I’ve learned to control my life and who I let in it. I only let in the people I’m sure I can trust. Fall in love, they say. They make it sound so easy, so carefree. But love hasn’t ever gotten me anywhere. Love rarely lasts and just isn’t worth the risk. I’ve seen the havoc it can wreak and what that kind of heartache can do, and I want no part of it.
Instead, I hop around between guys. Take what I need. Never get serious. I created rules for myself, and I hold to them. This is how I’ve built the fort around my heart, and I will defend it until the bitter end.
Oh, and I also run.
With about five hundred more yards to go, I kick my pace up another notch, pushing myself to purge every unguarded thought from my mind. Every desire beyond immediate, meaningless pleasure is discarded until nothing is left but me, my heart, and my impenetrable armor.
When I finally reach the lighthouse, I slow to a stop, my breathing heavy and coming in rapid succession. Bending at the waist, I rest my hands on my knees, inhaling and exhaling every emotion I’ve felt over the last hour.
I ran until the feelings inside of me stopped trying to snake their way into my heart. I ran until the emotions were no longer trying to break down my walls. I have to keep that heavy armor up. I have to protect those walls I’ve worked so hard to build. This is what I’ve done for the last twelve years. It’s my coping mechanism.
Suddenly, my phone vibrates in my running pouch. Pulling it out, I look to see who’s calling me. It’s like she knows; she must have some kind of sixth sense. She always knows when I need a little balance.
“Hey, Rose,” I say into the phone, my breathing more normalized.
“You okay?” she asks.
“Yep, just finished up a run,” I tell her.
Rose sighs, “That’s not what I mean, Abs. You know that. I know something has been bothering you.”
I give a small laugh, “Yeah, but I just ran it away like I always do. I’m a big girl. I’ve got this. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.”
There is a short pause on the other end of the line, and I know she’s contemplating pushing the issue to get me to talk about whatever has been on my mind. She obviously decides against it because when she speaks, Rosie only says, “If you ever can’t handle it, you know I’m here.”
“I know,” I tell her. “Talk to you tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” she replies before hanging up.
I walk to the railing at the cliff’s edge and look out over the crashing waves. A shiver runs over my body as the ocean breeze glides over my sweat-dampened skin.
I stand for a minute, taking it all in. I think about Rosie and my run and the person I am. I know exactly how I got here and why I do the things I do. I have to protect myself because I learned a long time ago it’s all I can do. If I don’t look out for myself, who will? I’m confident of who I am and the choices I’ve made to get me this far.
This is me—guarded, level-headed, full of strength, full of control.
This is how I stay safe from hurt and heartache.
Three
PARKER
Five months later
My parent’s front lawn is lit by twinkle lights twirled around the trunk of the two tall palm trees and various othershrubs. It’s just after dark, and they perfectly set the mood for tonight’scelebration.The squeeze of my hand draws my attention away from my thoughts and back to the smiling eyes of my date. She’s pretty and sweet. My mom will probably love her, which is exactly why I contemplated coming alone. But tonight, is a date kind of celebration, even if I can’t wrap my mind around what is happening.
“It’s so beautiful,”Lily whispers as she looksaround.
“Yeah,”I shrug. Although I’m a bit taken aback by how romantic the setting is, my tone remains neutral.
When we reach the door, I drop her hand and reach for the doorknob just as it opens, bringing me face-to-face with a dream—no, a nightmare.
