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No, it meant I trusted the bond he had with his son, and I trusted the bond he had with his brothers, enough to know that the only thing Leo was in danger of with them was learning a whole new foul vocabulary—though it was funny to hear a sudden ‘gosh darn it’ or ‘shoot’ from his club brothers as they checked themselves before letting loose with the expletives . We took the short drive and I pulled into the parking lot that was filled with motorcycles and cars, new and old.
Leo vibrated with excitement the moment he realized where we were, and less than a minute after we stepped inside the dimly lit bar area, he found the giant bulldog. “Chopper, I’m back! Did you miss me?”
The dog leaned into the little boy hugs, grunting and licking his face while he giggled. I watched my boy loving on the dog with a smile on my face. He’s safe here, I reminded myself.
“Somethin’ I can do for ya?” The voice belonged to a guy in his twenties with a buzzcut and hazel eyes woven with gold.
“Yeah, actually. I was hoping Diesel was around. I need to talk with him for a moment.”
“He’s busy,” he said, not sounding sorry about it at all despite his boyish grin.
I rolled my eyes and pulled out my phone. “I don’t have time for this,” I said to him, my tone growing frustrated. So, I sent Diesel a message. I’m at the clubhouse and I need to run an errand. Without Leo.
The reply came almost instantly. Tell one of the prospects or girls to watch him.
I showed the kid the phone and smiled. “That’s my son. His name is Leo, and he is Diesel’s son too.”
“Shit,” he bit out, nodding in understanding. “I’ve got him. No worries.”
I gave Leo a quick kiss and rushed back out into the Nevada sun, heading towards the home I’d all but abandoned a few weeks ago.
***
After a few weeks away, the place looked the same as it ever had, neat and tidy and colorful. I nervously checked the mailbox, but other than some bills and flyers there was nothing scary. The porch had no unexpected gifts either, so that was good. I locked the door behind me and rushed upstairs to Leo’s closet, where I stored the keepsakes Stacy might want him to have someday, including her high school yearbook, his baby book, and tons of photos of the first six months of his life.
I dropped down on the floor, legs crossed, and rifled through the boxes until I found what I was looking for. A stack of diaries going back a decade rested at the bottom of one of the boxes and I tugged them loose, going through each one until my memory was jogged. “Got it!”
Stacy wrote in code, almost as if she suspected someone might have been reading her diary, but it was clear that she was following someone and had read up on how to do it without being spotted. “I don’t think he suspects anything,” she wrote about a month before she took off.
I grabbed that diary and the next one, shoving them into my purse before I rushed around the house to double-check the windows and pipes. The place looked good, but it also didn’t quite feel like home anymore, which was a good sign that it was time to come back. Diesel’s place wasn’t home, at least it wasn’t my home, and no matter what my silly heart was starting to think, it would never be my home. It was just a place I was crashing at for a little while, that’s all.
That was the lie I told myself because it was easier than hearing the truth and believing it. I didn’t have to fall for Diesel if I didn’t want to, and I didn’t want to. My body wanted him and, sure, there was a teeny tiny piece of my heart that swooned a little at the gentle giant and loving, doting father, but my brain knew the truth.
No matter what Diesel said, he wasn’t in it for the long haul. He wanted me now while things were new and shiny, but he would get bored of me and my mundane life, or worse, he would leave on club business and never return. “Yeah, that’s what I needed to hear,” I told myself, and headed for the front door.
Outside, sitting on the porch as if he was waiting for me, was an unexpected sight. I almost jumped out of my skin. “Ryan. What are you doing here?”
He flashed his friendly, boy-next-door grin and stood. “I was driving by, and I saw your car parked outside, so I decided to stop. Vacation over?”
“Not quite, no.” It felt really odd that he was here in the middle of the day just minutes after I arrived. I kept a smile on my face because I was good at faking emotions when I needed to. “I just needed a few things for a new project I’m working on.”
“A new book?”
“Maybe. I haven’t decided yet. How’s your project going?”
He shrugged, and it was so sheepish, almost shy. So unlike the Ryan I’d known for the past few years. “Listen, Ellie, I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with me sometime?”
“Dinner?” After all this time and his platonic signals, now he was asking me out? It didn’t make sense, and when things didn’t make sense, I didn’t trust them.
“Yeah, you know, the last meal of the day?” He smiled and shoved his hands deep in his pockets. “What do you say?”
“I say that, um, I think it’s better that we stay friends, that way you’ll always be around.”
“That’s a strange thing to say.” His brows crinkled in confusion.
“I don’t date,” I admitted, because it seemed the quickest way to end this conversation.
“Ever?”
