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“I most certainly did not. I merely requested them and you acted. Did you feel a magical tug on your hands today, Ladon? Or did you move them of your own accord?”
I wanted to vomit. Night after night, Reyna had forced me to do things. And every night, I couldn’t fight her. Every night I had to obey while internally screaming. At some point, I’d stopped resisting. Had she made me move tonight? Or did I do that on my own? Everything was such a blur.
Reyna laughed again, and I wanted to wipe the smirk from her face. “I’ll see you soon, Ladon. Have a good night.”
Back in the room, Emilie was asleep facing the wall. She didn’t stir as I entered and quietly closed the door. I immediately headed to the shower and stripped out of my clothes. Turning the knob as hot as it would go, I lathered my body in soap and scrubbed till my skin turned raw.
Then I sank to the floor and closed my eyes. Reyna’s words echoed in my mind, accusing me. And I honestly didn’t know if she’d been telling the truth. It was enough to drive me mad.
I remained under the hot water until it turned to room temperature, and then to freezing cold. Then I stayed a while longer until my teeth began to chatter and my skin went numb. I welcomed the lack of feeling.
The pipes groaned as I shut the water off and dressed in loose fleece pants and a cotton shirt for bed. I tried not to wake Emilie as I slid under the cover, but she immediately rolled over to face me.
I could see the light reflecting in her eyes, and my heart pounded. There were many things I wanted to say and yet, none of them felt quite right.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” I whispered, choosing the easiest words to mutter.
“You didn’t. I was waiting.” She sighed and slid her hand under her cheek. I rolled on my side, mirroring her with my head resting on my bent arm. “I’m sorry.”
I scoffed. We were not about to have this conversation again. “Please, do not apologize to me. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”
Something lodged itself in my throat. All I could think about was Reyna’s last words to me. The guilt I felt was overwhelming, and I didn’t know how to express my regret. Emilie pressed her palm to my cheek, and I realized I was shaking.
“Neither do you, Ladon.”
I shook my head. “Yes, I do. I never should’ve…I can’t live with myself knowing that…” My tongue felt swollen and heavy, making it very difficult to speak. “Reyna said—”
“I don’t care what she said. Don’t let her fill your head with lies. Don’t you see? She wants to hurt you in any way possible.”
Gods, she wasn’t going to let me confess. Little miss know-it-all. I snapped. “Please. Let me speak. I need to say it.”
She pulled back her hand and pursed her lips. There was something so familiar about the reaction. It took me back to our first few days in Renoa and, for a moment, I felt completely normal again.
I took a deep breath. “Emilie, promise me you won’t hate me.”
A flicker of a smile crossed her cheeks. “Of course, I won’t.”
“I mean it. What I need to tell you…I feel sick.”
She had the decency to look a little worried. “Go on, then.”
“Reyna said something to me before I left. She said…she said that she didn’t force me to do anything. She didn’t use the magical binds. She said I did everything myself. She said that you…you…that I was just as vile as she was.”
That isn’t what I’d meant to say. I’d meant to question whether or not she found me as repulsive as Reyna had said, but my fear of rejection got the best of me. Of course, Emilie was repelled by me. She was betrothed to my brother, for gods’ sake. It was never supposed to be me. And asking her to deny it? That felt incredibly selfish.
“Ladon, this is the last time I’m going to say it. You are not to blame, either. I don’t care if she didn’t force your limbs to move. She has other methods of persuasion. If you hadn’t listened to her, she would’ve forced your hand. Or she would’ve tortured you for your insolence. I could say the same for myself. She did not force me to…to enjoy it.”
I was rendered speechless. It was so quiet; I could hear her swallow. She had enjoyed it? No way. I didn’t believe that for a second. Her face had been full of agony as I’d removed my hands from her.
I cleared my throat. “You looked rather upset.”
Even in the dim moonlight, I could see her cheeks turn slightly pink against her otherwise pale skin. “I was…frustrated.”
Something pounded inside of me—a primal beast wanting to be released. This was dangerous territory. Really fucking dangerous.
“Oh,” was all I could manage to say. “Right.”
Now I could picture that moment even more clearly. Except instead of seeing her pained expression, my mind was buzzing with the fact that I’d left her unsatisfied. Dangerous indeed.
