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“Make sure you keep your eyes peeled, and if you think there’s anything off or wrong, you make sure you tell me. Doesn’t matter what or who it is. Whether it’s someone you trust. You understand?” Casper wraps an arm around me, pulling me into his chest. “You’re doing the right thing by carrying on with life, and we’re all so proud of you, brat.”
“Make sure you don’t let anything happen to him because I’m going to come back for him.”
“I know.” The groan that rumbles from him makes me laugh. “Can’t account for your taste, but there you go…”
“Also, give Fleur a hug from me too. Tell her I’ll help her with the hen do when I’m back. Until then, she should get as much sleep as she can.”
“Fucking stubborn woman should take me up on my nanny idea.”
“Good luck saying that to her face and procreating afterwards.” I stick my tongue out at him as he follows me to the front door, telling Jordan exactly what’s going to happen and how it’s going to play out.
Of course, he doesn’t argue because in spite of Casper holding Grace and being every bit the softy he is with her, he still has the whole don’t-fuck-with-me vibes. It’s not even the tattoos, it’s just his entire demeanour.
The awkwardness between us doesn’t get any easier as we get on the road. The first hour goes by in a silent blur, so much so that I opt to put my AirPods in and listen to the track for my audition. I run through all the steps in my head. This is really the magic of ballet, because as I take myself through the dance, again and again, my limbs feel each of the movements as though I am performing them.
It’s exactly what loving Freddie is like. There’s no end to what I feel for him, and the more I feel, the more my need for him grows. As silly as it may seem, while I close my eyes and listen to the music, rehearsing the dance in my head, it’s there that I find the peace I’m looking for. Casper is right—it’s not about anyone except me. It’s about what I can and can’t live with. What I choose to forgive. It’s why Christopher was right—I hold the power.
Turns out my life isn’t all that different to the ballet, and it’s fitting that Freddie calls me swan. It’s fitting that our story resonates with a love that I’ve had since I can remember, and perhaps it’s why our love is so consuming and inescapable.
Even with everything that’s happened between us, I still want him. I still love him. More now than ever. Freddie is my very own Siegfried. As exhausted as I am, as weary as I feel, I know that I’ve given him my all. It’s the pain that makes the love so much more precious. Because every drop of it is worth it, even if just for one of those flowers. Even if only for those three words—I miss you.
You can’t miss something you don’t care for or want. You can’t miss something you don’t need. Opening my eyes, I pull my phone out of the pocket of Freddie’s hoodie and start typing out a message. I don’t know how many times I erase it or rewrite it, in the end I settle for a simple “I miss you too.” And as I read it over and my finger hovers over the button, everything comes to a crashing halt.
My phone slips out my hands as the seat belt pulls into my chest, squeezing the air from my lungs as Jordan flies past me, through the gap in the front seats straight into the windscreen. It’s all so loud as we flip and turn, and I don’t know if I’m up or down. All I can feel is my chest constrict tighter and tighter, harder and harder, and everything starts to fade as I try to release my seat belt and tug on Jordan’s legs.
I tug and tug until my arms seize up and my hands are so numb that I can’t control them anymore. There’s nothing I can do but gasp for air. Gasp and pray. I pray for the one thing I can’t die without—Freddie.
Chapter 13
FREDDIE
Fear has never been something I let get to me. At least not like this. Every part of me aches, screaming in a way that makes it impossible for me to think or even take stock of my surroundings properly as I check the text from Cooper telling me which floor they’re on.
This hospital is foreign to me, and as I race inside, I must look lost because one of the porters stops as I skim through the floor plan, looking for the surgical wing and the waiting room.
“What’re you looking for, son?” he asks.
The old boy looks me up and down, clearly taking in what I’m wearing.
“Emergency surgery.”
“You need to take this lift here to the first floor, then take the corridor to the left and take the lift at the end to the new part of the hospital. You’re looking for the second floor, and the waiting room is by the small caf.” He watches while I repeatedly press the button.
Cooper said Georgina was all right, but until I set eyes on her…
Fuck, I should’ve been with her. I should’ve been driving her. This is my fault. The blame for this falls on me. On my fucking guilt and all the ways I hurt her.
“Here, son, why don’t I take you up? Make sure you don’t get lost.”
“I’m fine.”
The doors open, and as I get inside, he follows me, pressing the button for the first floor. “You don’t look fine.”
The need to snap at him so that he backs off is overwhelming. Yet when I look at him, the kindness in his eyes only serves to make me feel like a bigger arsehole.
“What if she’s not all right?”
Of course, he has no idea what the fuck I’m talking about, and the perplexed expression on his face doesn’t help with the fact that I’m terrified. My gut is all kinds of twisted, and every cell of my body is turning against me. I hate myself. All the time that I’ve spent pushing Georgina away and being the biggest bastard I could so that she would see that I’m only going to destroy her…
