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“His dad died suddenly a couple of weeks ago.”
“I heard,” I tell her, stopping her from fussing with the ends of her short hair. “His dad was a family friend of Henry’s.”
“Oh. I suppose it makes sense. These people all run in the same circles.”
“Henry will probably be there,” I whisper, mostly to myself.
“If you stopped playing these ridiculous games, you’d be there with him.”
“But you’d be out of a babysitter.” My smile earns me another roll of her eyes. “I know you don’t get it, Jess, but I need to get my head straight. Falling in love with him wasn’t part of my plan.”
“And still you fell for him.” I nod at her remark. “Because plans are just pretty thoughts; they’re not written in stone. Can you imagine life without a change of plan? It’s a bit like a book without a plot twist.”
“Predictable.”
“Yes, and the thing with predictable is that we all think we want it until we have it.” Her fingers curl around mine as we walk head into the kitchen instead of the lounge, where George is watching telly. “You don’t want predictable for the rest of your any more than I do.”
“No, but Henry’s life is so different. Their circles are on a completely different parallel to ours.”
“But you love him,” she says with a shrug, pouring us both a small glass of lemonade.
“Yes. I guess I need to figure out what I can and can’t live with.”
A small frown pulls at one side of her mouth as her gaze softens on me. “If you woke up tomorrow and he was gone, could you live with that? Knowing that he feels that way about you.” She nods down at my backpack, where the notes from Henry are all stashed. “Could you look in the mirror and not have any regrets?”
“No.” My chest tightens with my reply.
“What are you doing loving him through silly notes when he’s right there and he can tell you every word to your face? Why?”
“Because. Because it’s complicated and…and I’m scared of becoming someone I hate. I’m scared of…of everything.”
“Life is complicated, Eve. Look at us—we learnt that lesson a while ago.” Perching herself on the table, Jess brushes my hair from my face. “At some point, everyone looks in the mirror and hates themselves. We all do bad shit. We all fuck up. We all do things we regret. There isn’t a single, outright good person in this world. For one reason or another, we all have to do ugly shit at some point.”
“I know.” I grew up in a family where my dad and brother killed people to protect others. It’s the context of it. The morality.
“You’ll look in the mirror and you’ll hate yourself, but you’ll turn around, and you’ll have him to remind you that shit happens.” A light, teary chuckle bubbles from her as she rubs her fingertips where she used to wear her wedding ring. “He’ll remind you that it doesn’t change who you are. You’re always going to be this person. Whether you’re a happy or miserable version is up to you. But—” She blows out a long, shaky breath. “—from personal experience, don’t choose to be miserable. It sounds a lot more righteous than what it feels.”
“You miss him,” I say, linking her fingers with mine. “You miss Joe.”
“Like an idiot misses the point.” Her laugh echoes around us as she dries the tears lining her lash line. “Don’t be the idiot,” she groans as the doorbell rings, and she gets up to answer it, leaving me to contemplate our conversation.
She doesn’t know it, but I needed to hear all of this. Her frankness and sincerity are why Joe loved her the way he did.
“Where’s my favourite kid?” I hear Ryan call from the front door. “And a Darling?”
“That’s for Eve,” Jess tells him with a quiet laugh as I get up and head their way. My heart is racing in my chest as I walk down the short hallway to the door of the flat. “She’s in the kitchen, and George is ignoring everyone because he’s annoyed with me today.”
Ryan looks a lot like his dad. Icy eyes that have a way of making you feel like he can read your deepest, darkest secrets. Unlike Lord Alastair Sterling, he has a sharp sense of humour that has made everyone in this house laugh through some shitty times.
“This is for you, Darling,” he announces with a grin, holding out another rose-and-black envelope. “It was on the doorstep.”
“Thanks,” I say, taking the flower and note from him and backtracking into the kitchen.
“Nice seeing you too,” Ryan calls after me as Jess tells him, “She’s got a lot on her mind.”
“Yeah, so I’ve heard.” No doubt from Casper. They’re still close, and they still work together.
“How’re you doing?” I hear Jess ask him with a softness in her voice that has me looking back.
