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19
I Can't Breathe
Juliana
Forweeksuponweeks, I go through the torture routine Cy creates for me. Every morning, he has me up at six to begin the day with whatever punishment fits his fancy, and he isn’t one to let up no matter how much I complain. Cy definitely knows how to push a person to their limit.
In the beginning, someone was constantly with us. He went easier on me then. Especially since I could really only handle minimal PT. We began with getting my mobility and stamina back. But when Sage gave the okay that Cy could start my “training” after her promised six weeks, Sage and Ember stopped hanging around. That’s when the real torment began.
We’ve been at it for a week and surprisingly, combat training is easier to adapt to than physical therapy. It’s a lot like the years I spent in a dance studio. The purpose is different, but the foundations are similar enough, and my body finally starts to feel comfortable with the routine.
Sage and Kieran are over every day and we all eat together almost every evening. Cy even made a gluten free roux for his Gramma M’s jambalaya recipe, which is the most outright kindness I think he’s shown me. Kieran and Ember are working on a project together. It’s either a computer game involving robots or a robot for a computer game. Nothing they say about it makes sense to me. Although Kieran’s excitement about the project and Ember’s proud look whenever he gets going is entertaining enough that we all let him ramble on about it.
The kid is absolutely adorable, and it’s nice having someone around who still has the innocence of a child. I mean, he is a child, but it’s nice nonetheless. His is the only genuine smile I see during the day. I need his joy more than he will ever know.
I think it’s why Sage started bringing him every day. Maybe even why they are here at all. She doesn’t really need to check in on me anymore. But the two show up every morning right after breakfast. Kieran tears through the hallways until he finds Ember, who picks him up, tosses him in the air, and ruffles his sandy hair when they set him down.
Kieran’s adamant he is far too old and mature for any of this, but I can tell he loves the attention. Little boys never really want affection to stop. That only happens when they start to learn how society expects them to repress their emotions and “act like a man.” Having them both here is a good thing. After they leave, everything gets quiet, and I’m left alone.
It doesn’t take long to figure out that Cy and Ember are in a relationship. A unique one, just like the two of them. They have a connection based on something beyond innate attraction. The strength of it is made evident in both the length of their relationship and the comfort they have with each other.
Between the two of them, Ember makes an effort on occasion to keep me entertained, but Cy avoids me. Unless he is putting me through my own circle of hell. I have his undivided attention then. He meticulously studies every move I make and analyzes for flaws. But he isn’t looking to cut me down. He’s looking for weaknesses. It’s like he’s trying to keep me safe in his own way.
Despite this, I still can’t figure out the gruff exterior and asshole behavior he maintains around me. So it’s shocking when one morning we don’t immediately start with training exercises.
“I…” He chews on his words. “I should apologize.”
Is Cy trying to have a heart-to-heart?
“Oh?”
“Yeah…” Clearly, he is having difficulty getting the words out. “I’ve been a bit of an ass.”
Well, that’s a double whammy. Impressive.
“I mean… based on how you’ve been towards me for the past two months? Yeah, I’d say you have been.” When he steps towards me, I tense up. We are so close to each other. Too close for comfort, and yet somehow not close enough.
I huff out a half laugh. “I’m genuinely surprised to find out you have a heart at this point. If I didn’t know better… You care about Ember, clearly. So there must be some kind of heart under your asshole exterior.”
My words are sarcastic, but there is a little bit of honesty in them too. I know I am being a bitch, but it feels good to rant at him. I’ve been cooped up for too long. I want my real life back. My anger and resentment build every day that I’m here. Each day I’m here is another day closer to me storming out. So yeah, my anger is misplaced. It belongs to another, but he’s not here, and the man in front of me looks like a really good punching bag.
“Not that I don’t feel anything. Just prefer not to,” he says.
There is almost a meek manner about him today. I wonder what prompted this. Then he steps back to put space between us and lets go of my hands. I didn’t even notice when he reached for me.
“Why bring this up? We’ve been doing fine.”
He sighs in defeat. “I promised Ember I would try harder. Figured an apology was as good a place as any to start.”
“Okay. Well, that’s over. Can we get back to your torture regimen?”
Laughing at my words, he turns towards the mats. A glimpse of a smile crosses his face, and it’s breathtaking. The contrast of his smile to his darker personality is as stark as his white smile against his dark skin. Then it’s like a switch flips, and Cy is immediately back to his normal self. Maybe he’s a bit more relaxed?
“Get down. Stretch out. Don’t want you gettin’ injured. Doc would kill me.”
Was that an attempt at a humor?
“Probably… Sage gives off that vibe,” I say.
