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When I approach Dr. Edwards’ office, I have my proposal binder clutched to my chest.
It takes me a moment to gather my courage and knock on the door, and immediately I’m met with Dr. Edwards’s barking voice. “You’re late, Miss Hall.”
“Sorry, doctor,” I say meekly, ducking into his office with my head bent low and my shoulders hunched.
I hate how I bend under his influence. I miss the confident woman that I get to be with Alvie and Bex. The strong woman they know me to be.
“Sit,” the man commands in a way that grates against my nerves, polar opposite to how I feel when Alvie or Bex give me instructions. “Now. Have you decided on potential topics, finally?”
“I have, I think.”
“You think? Or you know.”
“I know.”
“Alright, spit it out,” he growls.
I scramble to open up the binder and flip to my notes for the meeting. I can feel Dr. Edwards’s impatience rolling off him in waves.
“I don’t have all day, Miss Hall.” The way he says my name makes my blood boil.
I’ve worked hard to get here, excelled in my undergrad and master’s courses to learn as much as I can. I’ve put in my observation hours, written paper after paper, and sacrificed time and time again to ensure my success.
“Do you even care?” I snap, my eyes downcast.
“Excuse me?”
“Do you give a single shit about this? Me?” I look up to meet his shocked expression. “Do you care what happens to me? Or if I succeed here?”
“It’s not my job to care, Miss Hall.” His voice goes cold. “It’s my job to break your preconceived notions and incorrect learnings down. It’s my job to break you down, Miss Hall, and reform you into a clinician that I can be proud of.”
“So that’s what this is about? Your pride?”
He chuffs. “If you’re going to exemplify such insubordinate behavior, then I suggest that you quit now, Miss Hall. Your attitude has no place in my program.”
“Oh, that’s rich!” I laugh, full-on laugh.
I must be losing my marbles.
“If this is how you’re going to treat me, then I want nothing to do with it.” I chuckle. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk about. I want to write my paper on how clinicians treat patients who live alternative lifestyles and are part of minority groups. I want to help build people up, prepare other mental health professionals to embrace what they don’t understand, and implement treatment plans that benefit clients within their existing circumstances.”
“It sounds like a lofty goal for such a silly little girl.” Dr. Edwards’s lips thin out and his brow furrows. “You’re not going to change the whole industry on your own.”
I think of my best friend, Selene, and her partner, Gunnar. I think of Bex and Alvie and all of the others that I’ve met through the club over the past few months. How they’ve embraced me on this new path I’ve found myself on without judgement.
They’re the people I want to surround myself with. They’re the people I know will be there for me through the ups and downs of life.
“No. I’m not.” I slam my binder shut. “I have a whole community to support me. You’re just not going to be a part of it.”
Standing, I feel more sure of myself than I have since the beginning of my program.
I turn and head to the door.
“Miss Hall.” Dr. Edwards’s voice has a warning in it that I don’t like. “You’re going to fail here. So long as I am head of this department, you will fail. You should expect less from yourself.”
It makes no sense to trust so deeply in these people I barely know, but my gut tells me that this is the right decision.
“Then expect my letter of withdrawal soon. I’ll go find more.”
