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I know what she’s thinking, and I stop her thought process in its tracks. “Yes, but I don’t think she has anything to do with it. If anything, being around her calms me down.”
Marley nods. “Tell me about your upbringing. Any siblings?”
I keep silent about my upbringing, the words catching in my throat as I grapple with the weight of my past. I can’t bring myself to tell her my mother was a monster. “I have a twin.”
“Are you close?”
“My brother and I have been best friends since we came out of the womb together.”
Marley smiles. “Having a twin is something special. That one person you can rely on throughout life. I’m glad you’ve remained close.”
I nod. “We’ve had our fights, but yeah, I can’t imagine my life without him.” I think about the people who I couldn’t live without, and Greer sits at the top of the list.
Marley taps at the iPad on her desk before moving into more uncomfortable territory. “What about your parents? Let’s start with your mother. Are you close to her?”
My shoulders tense. “No one could ever be close to my mom. Not even my father.”
“Why can’t you be close to your mother?”
The unease expands from my shoulders to my neck. “Where do I begin? I guess it started when I was young. When we were young. Ledger and me.” I settle uneasily into the plush leather chair, the supple material creaking softly beneath me as I adjust my position. "My mother," I begin, my voice tinged with a hint of apprehension, "had this rigid vision for our lives. Any deviation from the path she meticulously charted would send her spiraling into a fury." The memory of her wrath looms ominously in my mind, a specter of rage that still haunts me to this day.
“How so? Give me some examples.”
“Okay, like prom. I had to take a certain date, even though I’d have much rather asked Greer to prom.”
Marley tilts her head. “Why wouldn’t your mother let you take Greer?”
I shrug. “She said I wasn’t good enough for Greer. That Greer was a sweet girl, and I was tarnished like my father.”
She taps more on the iPad. “Where’s your mother now?”
I scrub a hand down my jaw. “She’s in an assisted living facility. Battling dementia.” That’s the first time I’ve spoken about my mother’s disease aloud. Actually admitted to her disease.
“That must be hard for you.”
My smile is strained. “I haven’t visited her.”
“Why?”
My throat goes dry and my heart rate accelerates until it’s racing. I need to get myself under control. The dizziness begins with a rush, and I try to catch a breath. “May I have a glass of water?”
Marley studies me. “Are you feeling anxious right now?”
I nod, pulling at the collar of my button-up shirt. “Yeah.” It’s hot in here, and I stand from the chair, trying to breathe and calm my heart rate.
Marley retrieves a pill from a drawer, still in its wrapper. “Take this, it's hydroxyzine pam. It’ll help calm you down.” She gets up from her chair and moves to a small fridge. She takes out a bottle of water and hands it to me.
I open the pill, pop it into my mouth, and sit back down. I take three big gulps of water. “Thank you.” It sounds crazy, but I already feel better even though I know medicine doesn't work that quickly.
“You’ll start feeling better soon.” Marley returns to her desk. “Just focus on your breaths. Breathe in for four counts.” She does the action with me. “And hold your breath for four seconds. One. Two. Three. Four. Good, now breathe out through your mouth.”
We continue breathing for a few minutes until my heartbeat returns to normal, and I don’t feel like I’m about to die.
“Anxiety sucks, and I can’t understand what is going on with me.”
Marley rests her forearms on the desk, leaning forward. “It’s your body’s reaction. It thinks you’re not safe, so it goes into fight-or-flight mode. For example, imagine you’re being attacked. Your body activates the sympathetic nervous system and triggers an acute response that prepares the body to fight or flee. It releases adrenaline into your system, and that can be a scary thing. Especially if you’re not in any danger. Your body doesn’t understand, and you feel each effect of your body tenfold.”
I nod. “I’ve been doing some reading on anxiety, and I wish I could stop my body from triggering this response. Or at least understand what is causing the anxiety.”
