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Ever have somebody hate you so much that they start rumors? Rumors that aren’t even true? My mother hated me that much. She’d tell people I was a playboy. Tell others that I couldn’t be tamed. Made sure that I never felt good enough for Greer.
“She’s too classy for a man like you. A man that will take after his father.” Back then I never knew what she meant.
It took many years to understand that my parents’ relationship was never perfect. That my father stepped out on the marriage. That my mother hated my father, and therefore hated me because I looked like him.
Or maybe she hated me because I reminded her of him in some way. I guess she felt I’d never amount to much. That I’d never be good enough for love.
Maybe she’s right.
I don’t deserve to have somebody love me when I can’t even control my own anxiety.
I stop writing and take a deep, cleansing breath, but the anxiety I’m feeling threatens to unleash. I close the journal and spot a text from Greer.
Where are you?
I’m at Danbury Park, please come to me. I need you.
FIFTEEN
GREER
I find Roman sitting on a park bench close to the river. My mind is filled to the brim with questions about his appointment, but something tells me I need to let him take the lead on what he wants to share with me.
“Hey,” I say as I sit next to him on the bench, running my fingers over the heart locket around my neck.
His gaze meets mine, and the sunlight catches in his blue eyes, making them almost transparent. “Hey,” he whispers back. He lifts a notebook from beside him. “The shrink thought it would be a good idea to write down my feelings.”
I stare at the gold lion on the front for a moment and place my hand over his. “How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t know. I had a panic attack while talking about my mother. I think I should head out to Magnolia Ridge to visit her.”
“We can go together,” I tell him.
“I’d like that.” He leans back, placing his arm along the back of the bench. “How was work?”
“Busy. This case is taking all my energy. I wish I knew what the DA has planned.”
“How do you know they’re planning something?”
I shrug. “Intuition.”
“You’re the smartest woman I know. I have no doubt you’ll win this case.”
“I just wish I knew how.”
“I have every confidence you will.” He beams at me like a proud boyfriend, but I don’t feel confident. I feel like my walls are closing in on me. When did I become this type of person who defends evil? I think back to the question Roman asked me, if I really even wanted this case. We were sitting at Julia’s, and I asked him to be my fake boyfriend for the case, and he asked if I even wanted it. At the time I was upset. Of course I love my job. I love court. I love defending the innocent.
But now I’m not so sure.
“What’s wrong?” he asks me.
I shake my head. “Nothing. You make me sound so badass.”
Roman wraps an arm around my shoulder. “You’re more badass than you think you are. Remember when we were younger, and you kicked Jimmy Smitz in the balls when he tried to push you down the slide?”
“I think I was in sixth grade then. That was hardly badass.” I laugh lightly.
“Jimmy told all the other kids not to mess with you because you’d push them down the slide.” Roman chuckles at the memory.
