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“Roman? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Her voice is panicked and I hate that my anxiety is impacting her. It makes my attack that much worse.
“I’m fine,” I reassure her, though every fiber of my being feels like it's on the brink of collapse. I try to summon the breathing techniques Marley taught me, hoping they'll provide some relief.
It isn’t working.
“Roman, are you at the nursing home? I’ll be right there.”
She hangs up, and I spot a bench closeby and take a seat, willing my body to calm down. Breathe.
My mind is overwhelmed with a million thoughts, yet none of them provide any relief. I’m stuck in my head when Greer pulls up in her father’s Cadillac.
She rushes out of the car and wraps her arm around me as she sits down next to me on the bench. “Breathe,” she whispers, rubbing her hand down my back. “Just breathe. I’m here.”
While I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth, I focus on the soothing motion of her hand gliding over my body.
Greer soothes my anxiety, and I think about what Marley said about using Greer as my anxiety crutch.
I push away the thoughts as I suck in a deep breath. “Thank you,” I tell her once my breathing returns to normal. “I don’t know what happened there.”
Her lips curl upward into a smile. “It’s okay. I’m always here for you.”
"How did things go with Mom?" Ledger asks as we gather at Dev's house for Sunday brunch a week later. Greer insisted on hosting the brunch here to spare everyone the hassle of traveling with the baby, and Chloe didn't want to miss out on the chance to hang out with us.
While everyone else fusses over the baby, Ledger corners me in the kitchen.
"Things went okay. I can't shake off the surreal feeling when Mom didn't recognize me at first. It hit me hard," I confess, a pang of sadness lingering in my chest.
Ledger offers a comforting pat on my shoulder. "Yeah, it's tough. I've been seeing her every week, and it's like she's slipping away more and more."
"There was a brief moment of clarity when she said Greer was too good for me," I share, a hint of amusement coloring my voice.
Ledger chuckles. "Well, she's not wrong there."
"Yeah, I know. Greer deserves better. And, uh, there's nothing between us," I add, feeling a twinge of guilt for the half-truth I just uttered to Ledger.
He laughs harder, shaking his head. “You can’t lie to me. You’re in love with her, and I’ll let you in on a little secret.”
“What’s that?”
“You’ve been in love with her for a long time.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Roman, you’ve loved her for years. Since around the time her mother died.”
I raise my hand to my face, tracing a path down from my forehead, past my eyes, and finally coming to rest on my stubbled chin. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re friends. And I won’t do anything to ruin that friendship. She’s working through a lot with her father and she has this important case. I don’t want to be just another distraction for her. Besides, I’m working through a lot too. How can I expect her to be with me when I’m not working properly?”
Ledger crosses his arms, leaning back against the counter. “You work just fine. Anxiety isn’t a reflection of you. You’re healthy as a horse, and you’ve got a great life ahead of you. I understand your hesitation to go all in with Greer, because she’s not the type you half-ass it with. You either go all in or nothing at all. So, you need to decide if you’re ready for an all-in situation.”
I nod. “I know Greer deserves a man who’s all in. And I know I love her. But sometimes that isn’t enough. How can I subject her to a life where I’m a fucking wreck? What if my anxiety gets worse?”
“What if it gets better? What if you have the life you want and you’re happy?”
“The shrink told me not to focus on the what-ifs.”
