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I turn my phone off and shove it into my pocket with a huff.
“Everything okay?” the librarian, Susan, asks me, and it dawns on me that I stopped walking in the middle of the corridor and never moved.
See, this is the problem. A distraction. He is distracting me. I was so focused on his every sexy word that I forgot about my surroundings—a mistake I can’t afford.
I silently sigh. “I’m okay.”
Susan totally doesn’t believe me. She raises an eyebrow and says, “Darling, you are here multiple days a week, and I like to think that I have gotten to know you, Nikki. And I have never seen you smile at your phone, not once. Nor have I seen that smile turn upside down so fast. Boy troubles?”
I chuckle and wince at the tightness in my neck this morning. I must have slept wrong. “I always have boy troubles, Susan.”
She pulls our secret stash of Nutter Butters from a drawer in her desk and holds the package out for me.
The first week I was in Duluth, I practically lived in this library with Susan when I wasn’t with Chloe. I was overly thin at the time, having lost weight from the stress of being under Trey’s hand and then from being on the run with almost no money. She insisted on me constantly taking snacks from her. Then, one day, she opened a package of Nutter Butters, and I had never had them before. My mom was allergic to peanuts and never had them in the house. I thought they were the most delicious thing I’d ever tasted. She must have noticed my adoration of them because there has not been a day where I have approached her desk and not left without a few in hand.
“Want to talk about it?” she asks as I take a couple from the package.
I shrug. “Not today, Susan.”
She tucks the package back into her drawer without taking one. “Can I give you a piece of advice?”
Nodding, I bite into one of my Nutter Butters.
She looks me square in the eye, and I can’t help but admire every little wrinkle in her face, of the markings of a life well lived. “Everything in life is fleeting. We might walk outside tonight and not get a chance to see tomorrow. Don’t waste a second of your precious life frowning over some boy. Drink lots of wine, eat delicious food, and love absolutely recklessly.”
A lump forms in my throat at her words. I want it to be that simple. I want to forget about Trey, and in moments, I do, but as her wrinkles and smile lines show a life of love and laughter, the scars from glass and metal show the pain of mine. I want more than anything to love without abandon, but I’m afraid that will cause far more hurt than not loving at all.
“That’s good advice, Susan. But I think it makes more sense for someone else.” I smile kindly.
“No. That advice is yours, whenever you’re ready to take it.” She grins. “Can I tell you a story?”
“Of course.”
“As you already know, I live right over there.” She points at her home across the small lake through the window. “When I was about your age, I almost died in that lake.”
Instant anxiety thrums in my chest when I think about it. Aside from Chloe, Susan is the only person that I have here, and I can’t imagine not being able to talk to her.
“I was walking home from the grocery store near here and didn’t want to walk around the lake to get home. It was mid-winter, and the lake had been frozen over for a couple of months. I assumed I would be fine, as I had seen kids skating on it and people walking across it before.”
I sit down in the chair beside her desk, listening intently to her story.
She continues, “I made it about halfway when I heard a sound that I can still hear clear as day right now. The ice cracked beneath my feet. But I didn’t fall through—not yet at least. I froze in place, terrified to take a step and terrified to stay still. But I knew I only had one choice—I had to try to get across. So, I took off. I made it one step before the ice fell out from beneath me, and I plunged into that ice-cold water. It was so cold, much colder than I’d expected. And I went fully under and was completely disoriented for a moment before I luckily resurfaced. I started hyperventilating and screamed for help. And then it was as if I could hear my dad’s voice in my head. I had grown up in that house, and for years, he would give me a speech of how to climb out of the lake if I fell through. It was like he had known that at some point, I would be faced with that exact problem, and he’d spent those years preparing me. I took a few deep breaths and did my best to put my mind at ease as I worked through the steps he had taught me.”
Her eyes glaze over as she recites her memory, and I listen in awe at every word. I can’t imagine how horrifying that was, how helpless she must’ve felt.
“I held myself up on the ice by my arms, and I took a few more deep breaths for the exertion to come. My dad said that you have to become a seal, kick as strong and fast as you possibly can. I dug my elbows into the ice and lifted my body as horizontal as I could get it. And then I kicked for my life. It took a moment, but I was able to propel my torso and up to my hips out of the water. I caught my breath for a second before carefully squirming the rest of the way out. I resisted the urge to try to stand and instead rolled across the ice, following the steps I’d previously taken, until I was a good ten feet from the hole. Then, I gently stood to my feet and took off back to land and ran home.”
I didn’t even notice that she had placed a hand on my arm while she was speaking until her finger brushes against one of my scars. She looks down at the marks on my arm.
“I was terrified, and I wasn’t sure that I was going to make it out of that water alive. I felt helpless and trapped and so terribly scared. But I fought like hell and escaped. You’ll escape whatever you’re going through too, sweetie. I’m sure of it.”
My eyes burn as tears well up, and the lump in my throat bursts.
She pats my arm. “It’ll be okay. If you ever need a helping hand from a little old lady, you know the two places to find me.”
I smile at her kindness. I can’t help but picture her fighting Trey. The image quickly turns sad.
As if she can read my mind, she says, “I might not look like much of a fighter, but I own a few things that will take care of the fight for me.” She playfully unholsters two imaginary hand guns from her hips.
