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The trauma he has faced is horrendous, and I can’t imagine going through that—getting whipped by my own father. I love my parents so dearly. They are the best parents in the world. Which is why they had to believe the lie that I died. If they knew I was out here in the world, alive and well, they wouldn’t stop searching until they found me. I couldn’t put them at risk of being caught in Trey’s line of fire.
Which is exactly what I’m doing to Cam by letting him get close to me. I can’t stop the battle inside of me between wanting to be near him and wanting to protect him. It’s exhausting.
The bell of the shop door dings, and Holly walks in. Chloe decided to surprise me, and she hired two eighteen-year-old girls to help work at my shop so that I’d have time to step away. It’s four o’clock, and we close at seven tonight. The shop is pretty quiet on Wednesday nights, so Holly should be fine by herself. We usually only have high schoolers who hang out in the evenings anyway.
I was super anxious when Chloe told me that she hired staff. But she said that teenagers only cared about themselves, and, well, that’s true enough. She only hired female employees so that I would feel more comfortable. I love spending time in my shop and was hesitant to share that time with outsiders. But without them, I wouldn’t be able to head over to Chloe’s at mid afternoon.
“Hi, Nikki!” Holly chimes as she joins me behind the counter. “I just have to use the restroom quickly, and I’ll be all set.”
“Sounds good. Thanks, Holly.” I smile at her as she turns and walks to the back room to use our staff restroom.
Holly is also opening tomorrow morning for me so that I can have fun tonight with Chloe and sleep in. I am loving having these new additions to the team more and more.
When Holly returns, I give her an overview of what needs to be done tonight and what needs to be prepared for tomorrow. Then, I change and meet Chloe out front when she texts me.
“Hiiiiii!” she squeals as I get in the passenger seat.
“Hey. What’re the plans for tonight?” I ask her with excitement as I buckle in.
“Okay, I thought we could either do a marathon of the Twilight movies or the Fifty Shades series,” she says and takes off for her house.
“Two very different vibes,” I mutter as I consider her proposed options.
“I have a drinking game planned for either, so I’m good with whichever option you pick,” she says proudly.
“Oh, perfect. I was worried I would have to come up with that myself.” I laugh.
I’m in need of a vent session, and the alcohol will definitely help loosen my tongue.
I would rather watch Fifty Shades, but just the thought of it makes me think about Cam and what he likes in bed. Which I guess, now, I’m thinking about anyway.
“Fifty Shades,” I announce my choice.
She clicks her tongue. “That’s my girl.”
Closing my eyes, I inhale deep and sigh louder than intended.
“What are you thinking about?” Chloe softly asks.
Leaning my head against the window, I give myself a second to just feel—feel the overwhelming emotions that have ahold of me.
Excitement for the way Cam makes me feel. Yet simultaneously, I feel fear and dread when I think of him. Not his fault, of course. But I cannot think of Cam without thinking of Trey. Of what would come if he found out I was alive. I’m not only putting myself in danger every time I talk to Cam; unknowingly, Cam is in danger too. It’s like walking a tightrope, and you know that someone will eventually grab your ankle and pull you off of it and into the darkness below.
I hate that they coexist in the same space in my brain. One cannot consume a thought without the other. It would be a lot easier if Trey was dead. I should have killed him instead of killing myself. But unfortunately, that is not how it played out.
“It’s not fair, Chlo,” I whimper as she pulls onto her street.
Her hand lies on my leg, and she says, “I know. I wish I could change it for you—I really do. I love you, and I’m always here for you, Nikki.”
“Nikki.” I utter the name with disdain.
I’m grateful for the life Nikki has, for the friendship she has with Chloe. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel so lost inside of this world that she created because of my desperation. I love my shop. I love her. I love sleeping and waking up without Trey by my side. But I hate the constant feeling of having a bag over my head or a pillow on my face, the constant suffocation of this safe and lonely life.
I have everything I could want, except for my parents. I miss my father’s cooking and my mother’s hugs. I miss the comfort of their scent and the warmth of their home. Loneliness is a feeling I am well accustomed to, a friend in its own right. If I’m lonely, that means that everyone I care about is safe.
“I love you too, Chlo, always,” I tell her sincerely.
She smiles and pulls into her four-car garage. “Do you think you’ll live like this forever?”
