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“You got it,” I promise her.
Harper and I hug good-bye, much less theatrically than Ella and I did, and we go our separate ways.
Sometimes, you meet people in an unlikely situation, and they somehow become some of the most important people in your life. Ella and Harper are that to me, an unexpected blessing that I never expected to come from this tragic experience.
19
Charlotte
Today has me feeling more anxiety than I think I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve been dreading shaving my head since this all started. But it’s time, and to be honest, there’s not much left to shave off. Most of it has already fallen out.
I haven’t really mentioned it to Reed, but I’m scared to do it. What if when it’s really all gone, I don’t find myself beautiful? I’ve always taken such pride in my hair, and it’s always been such a big part of my appearance. What happens when all of it is gone?
I know Reed’s seen me without my beanie the night on my balcony, but I haven’t really let him see me without my wig since then. It has nothing to do with him. I know he will reassure me and tell me how beautiful I am. His words matter—they do. But so do the ones in my own head, and right now, they aren’t the kindest when I look in the mirror.
I’m working on changing that, correcting the negative thoughts in the moment when they happen. I’m not always successful, but I’m trying to be.
Reed surprised me with homemade pancakes and bacon this morning when I woke up. I don’t know what I would do without him. I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon, and we plan on doing my hair before that. My doctor’s appointment is a check-in to see how the treatment is going and how effective it is killing the cancer cells. As long as everything is on track, we are going to schedule my surgery for my mastectomy. So, on top of the nerves of losing my hair, I have all of that going on too.
“Are you ready?” I ask Reed, my heart already racing a mile a minute.
He scoots over on the couch and grabs my hand, kissing it tenderly. “Whenever you are.”
My throat burns, and a lump forms as I stand up, my hand still in his. “I don’t know if I ever will be…but let’s do it.”
He kisses the back of my hand repeatedly. “I’m so proud of you. You are so strong, Char.”
My eyes well, and I smile at him, unable to say anything, as I’m scared the tears will really start flowing.
Reed rises to his feet and waits for me to take the lead. I walk us to the dining table, where Reed already set everything up. He pulls the chair out for me, but I think I’m too nervous to sit down right now.
My shaky hand reaches out and grabs the razor. As I click it on, the sound shocks me, and I jump.
Reed wraps his arms around me from behind and kisses my cheek. “It’s okay, baby. You got this.”
I told him I wanted to do the first swipe when we planned this. I want to be the one to start, but I want him to finish. I won’t be able to see everything, and I’m sure it would look horrendously uneven if he didn’t help.
He releases me and steps in front of me. “I love you.”
“I love you,” I tell him as the razor continues to vibrate in my hand.
Lifting it up to my hairline, I close my eyes and feel a tear run down my cheek as the warm vibration touches my forehead. Gently, I push it through my hair and feel it fall down my face like snow as I buzz a strip down my head.
Slowly, I open my eyes and lower the razor. I blink away the fallen strands and look at Reed, who is holding his breath, then gently exhales.
I hold the razor out, and he takes it from me.
“Close your eyes real quick,” he instructs me softly, and I listen, fluttering my eyes shut once more.
The buzzing grows louder, like it’s pressed against a surface, but he isn’t touching me.
My eyes fly open, and the floodgates break all over again.
“What are you doing?!” I shout, in complete shock at what’s happening in front of me.
Reed is smiling from ear to ear, but I can’t focus on anything else, except the line of shaved hair that runs from his hairline to the top of his head.
“I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone in this. I’m here every step of the way. I’ll help you with yours if you help me with mine,” he says with a shy smile and flushed cheeks.
