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He nodded, rubbing at his jaw. He needed a shave. I was betting he wasn’t going to get to that today.
He murmured, distracted, “That’s good. I was worried about her last night.”
“You and Tab talk last night when you took her home?”
He shook his head, that unfocused look just increasing as he looked outside once more. “I don’t have a clue what to say.”
I frowned, lowering the sandwich back to my plate.
I tried to put myself in his place.
If Bren had done that? Cheated on me to end things so she could force herself to touch another guy to help save her mom? I couldn’t. Bren would never do that. She’d knife the guy, opting to go to prison instead. That was more Bren. Whoring herself? That wasn’t Bren, but if she’d been in a position where she had to do that?
I felt filleted right then and there. A knife taken to my stomach, one deep clean line from left to right and all my insides were spilling out. Add to that sensation a shit ton of murderous urges—gutting the guy wouldn’t have cut it. Nothing would take that poison out of me. Cancer. That’s exactly what Jordan has inside of him now.
I got it. I did. I see why Bren moved on the guy. If she hadn’t, Jordan would’ve killed him.
I grimaced, just remembering last night and seeing the unhinged plea in her eyes as she took in what was about to happen.
“Bren went dark last night.”
He swung his head back, blinking at seeing me, as if he forgot I was there.
I didn’t scowl. I didn’t glare. Or frown. None of that, but I said, clearly so he understood, what I was saying, “Don’t make that worthless.”
His face shuttered, and he actually flinched. “Never. I know what she did, but me and Tab. There’s nothing that can be said or done to erase it. Not that, not what she did. I want to kill the guy, feel his blood on my hands, but B did that for me. She did it because she knew she could stop when I wouldn’t have been able to until he was finished. I know what she did. I know we have to watch her, make sure she doesn’t slip back again.”
“Bren’s good. I got her.” I leaned forward, lowering my face, but making sure he was still looking me straight in the eyes. “You figure out what you need. I mean that. Do that for Bren. That’s why she did what she did last night. Any of us, I don’t think any of us would’ve stopped. She did that not just for you or for Tab, but for all of us.”
He nodded. “I know.”
We sat there in silence.
I finished the sandwich. He held his mug, not even drinking his coffee.
I didn’t know the hell he was locked in right now. Jordan wasn’t sharing, but I’d never seen Jordan like this.
“I love her,” he grated out. “Loved her. I don’t know if I love her anymore. I’m a piece of shit for that, aren’t I? I should love her. Right? I should want to touch her, hold her, tell her everything will be all right, but… I can’t, man. She went to him. Him. She let him touch her. She didn’t give me the option of figuring this shit out.”
“She felt like she was between a rock and a hard place.”
“Is that on us?”
His wall fell, and the anguish looking back in my direction was burned inside of me. I’d never forget it. I’d never share it either. Zellman and Bren would never hear about this. They shouldn’t carry that either.
His words rasped out, “Bren went at her last year. Me too. I was right there. Crew or non-crew. Tab wasn’t crew, but I fell for her. Then she ratted, or was going to rat, and why do I feel dirty? I shouldn’t feel dirty. Jesus. He did that to the girl I love, loved? I’m a dick of epic proportions. I should go to her, hug her, make her feel better. I should do what you did for Bren, because I know that’s what you did. You did what you had to do so she could walk out of here without fifty fucking anchors pulling her down. I heard her. She sounded good. I know you did that. Old Bren, not a chance. She’d be halfway gone from us. We’d lose her, but we ain’t. You fix her. I should fix Tab…but I’m not. I’m here, not there, and I’m the one feeling dirty.”
“You’re not feeling that. That’s her. You love her. You take on what you love, and you love her. You’re feeling what she’s feeling.”
“You think so?”
But he was barely moving. A statue. The fifty fucking anchors he put on Bren was what he was feeling. He was being held down, and I was sure. “Your sister’s in your head, and now Tab, too. You’re feeling what they felt, what Tab is feeling. I’d bet anything on that.”
