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“You’re the one who made things right. And the one who made a terrible mistake. You’re both. But you were also a child, and you were trying to do something good before it went wrong.” Her lips curved into a sad, kind smile. “Maybe it’s time to forgive yourself.”
I couldn’t breathe. Something in my chest felt like it’d cracked, and although the breaking was painful, somehow the broken parts were melting too, becoming both open and full at the same time.
It was the strangest sensation.
But I couldn’t do what she said. Couldn’t be this good person she saw, not only because of that day, but because at every opportunity, I’d hurt her. I knew that.
And all out of my own contemptible fear.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Her brow drew down, questioning.
“For everything. What I’ve said to you. How I’ve been. How I…” A breath left me. “I kept pushing you away and treating you horribly, and it was never what you deserved. I just…”
“You thought you were protecting me,” she filled in when I trailed off. “Didn’t you?”
I closed my eyes, ashamed. “And myself.”
She was silent, but she didn’t pull her hands away from mine, and when I looked up, she was nodding to herself. “It hurt,” she acknowledged, and something inside me shriveled and died at that truth. “And it wasn’t fair.”
“I know.”
She nodded again.
“Tell me how to make it up to you,” I begged. “Please.”
Her gaze returned to mine, thoughtful. “No more secrets?”
I flinched inside. Of all she could have asked me, to stop hiding was the most risky of all.
But then, she’d already seen the demon. She already knew what I’d done. The only secret left was the truth of how much I wanted her. Craved her.
It felt like laying myself bare for her to burn.
“No more.” I pushed the words out. “But in that case, you should know…”
Oh gods, the truth was like standing at the top of a cliff, knowing I had to take the fall even if there was no way I’d survive. But I had to fling myself over that proverbial ledge. For her. For me and the demon both too. Because she’d asked us to do it, and so, even if we’d fucked everything up so much it was insurmountable, we would.
Because deep inside beyond all the bullshit, all the demon and I had actually ever wanted was to make her happy.
“You should know I’ve wanted you since the moment I laid eyes on you,” I said. “Since we all found you asleep at the cabin, curled up in my chair and half frozen from the snow. I’ve wanted you for every second, and I’ve hated myself for how I treated you. I never meant any of those horrible things I said. Not one. I did want to protect you from the thing inside me, and I thought if I made you hate me, that would keep you safe. That it would make wanting you hurt less. I thought driving you away would make this better for both of us. But I was a fool and a coward, and I am so, so sorry.”
The horrible silence returned, yet still her hands stayed around my own.
It was a lifeline, and if it snapped…
One of her hands slipped away. I closed my eyes, waiting for the other to disappear.
But her soft palm only came to rest on my cheek.
My breath caught. I looked down at her again.
“Thank you,” she said quietly.
I didn’t move. Didn’t breathe. Was this real?
Something soft and sad came into her eyes.
