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I would not strangle my friends with my bare hands. I would not drive my fist through the map either.
I was calm.
“The map shows that this is the most direct path through the destruction left by the Voidborn. I would assume they followed her, and thus following their trail will lead us to her location.”
Where she would be fine. Alive, in her way. Not driven mad with her humanity stripped away. Not burned to ash because the spell I cast had failed, leaving nothing of the beautiful woman whose body I touched with my magic only last night, guiding my power over every line and caressing every curve?—
The map crinkled in my hands. I closed my eyes for a heartbeat, mentally summoning up a calming prayer out of desperation. My training as a monk in the Order of Berinlian had included hundreds of them, from poems to prose, all of them as familiar to me as breathing.
Since the princess joined us, I swore I’d needed them on an hourly basis.
“It still doesn’t show her, though?” Lars asked.
I threw a look back at him. “You assume I’m simply not mentioning that I’ve already found her?”
He blanched. “No, I?—”
“The map shows nothing. Not Gwyneira. Not Ozias. There are small woodland creatures, a deer, and a blur that might be a running wolf, but unless the princess has become a bunny rabbit, then none of that is helpful.”
Silence followed.
I stopped, exhaling sharply. Closing my eyes, I pinched the bridge of my nose and drew a slow breath, repeating the prayers until my pulse slowed down. “Apologies. I am merely tired. I should not have spoken to you that way.”
Another moment passed without sound.
“We’ll find her,” Niko said at last, kind and encouraging as always.
How he could be so calm…
The irony was painful. I may have been the monk, but he was Niko. He believed in the good of the world the way others believed the sun would always rise. Even during the war, he’d kept our spirits up with his optimism and his simple faith in each of us, and now he was doing the same here.
Of course, he also wasn’t being torn in two by desire for a woman he could never have.
I shuddered, dropping my hand from my face. “Yes,” I made myself say. “We will.” I turned to Lars. “Again, my apologies.”
“It’s okay.” Lars smiled. “It’s been a rough morning for all of us.”
He was too kind.
And also not being eviscerated by desire.
Settling for a nod in return, I took up the map again and started walking. I wasn’t jealous that my friends could attend to their craving for Gwyneira whenever they liked. To be thus would only mean I resented my vows, and that would be nonsense.
The memory of the curve of her ass flashed through my mind, as vivid as if I was touching her with my bare hand right now.
I shoved it down. Enduring temptation was part of being a monk. I would not falter. It had been the greatest honor of my life to join the ranks of the Order of Berinlian, and even after the Order fell, I refused to betray my oaths. Indeed, it had never felt like a loss not to join the twins or Dex when they went to taverns or found companionship for an evening. Not to study with Niko as he poured over books that taught how to please a lover and how to be a good romantic partner someday.
I had my own studies. My own mission. As a monk of the Order, I was sworn to the preservation and furtherance of magical knowledge. Those vows mandated that I be chaste, eschewing all romantic attachments and priorities that might conflict with that goal. Moreover, I’d spent my youth being told that the fact I was a dwarf meant I could never be worthy of taking those vows in the first place. That I couldn’t possibly be strong enough or have enough character and integrity to hold true to that calling.
To give in to my longing for Gwyneira now would violate my vows and make myself a liar and a failure. It would prove every last one of those accusations right.
Thus, if anything, I should be proud of how I was conducting myself in the face of such temptation. Yes, my soul cried out she was my treluria. Yes, even now, my cock stiffened and wept at the memory of how she felt beneath my magic last night…
I scowled, adjusting my pants surreptitiously. None of that mattered. The memories would fade. My chants and prayers would soothe my longing. And jealousy that my friends could lie with her and I would never do the same was foolishness that I would not entertain.
“What does your magic tell you?” Casimir asked behind me.
I turned sharply. “What my magic did has nothing?—”
