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That was a fact that I don’t think anyone—including my mother—was disputing.
It was evident in how people looked at her, spoke to her, and treated her. Here, at Athens High School, she was held in high regard by teachers and students.
And yet, she still talked about how she didn’t have many friends or her grades weren’t good enough. She always needed to work harder, try harder, and keep pushing for more. Hell, the only big argument we’d ever had was because she’d fallen asleep at our kitchen table while studying, and instead of waking her up, I’d let her rest for an hour. When she woke up, she was furious and ranting about how she hadn’t done enough yet, but she’d already done more than the teacher had assigned.
That was the result of having two parents who didn’t demand perfection but insinuated it. They never told her straight out that they were disappointed in her achievements, but they also never told her they were proud of them. It meant she struggled with knowing what was expected of her, other than being the best.
I dug around in my pocket, pulling out my pack of cigarettes and placing one between my lips. Bow tossed me a lighter. He didn’t smoke, but he’d always carried one around for me since I started smoking when I was sixteen. I flicked my thumb over it, the small device taking several clicks before a tiny flame suddenly appeared, and I sucked in a long, deep breath of nicotine.
Bow joined me by the fence as he sipped on what was probably now a lukewarm soda. “And what are you gonna do when she finally figures it out?”
I already knew the answer.
“Let her go,” I mumbled, a soft cloud of smoke falling from my lips as I relaxed against the wire netting.
Obviously, it wasn’t the answer my brother was expecting, given that he was soon spraying a mouthful of soda across the dirt and coughing so hard that the entire cheer squad paused for a moment, some with worried looks about his health before I waved them off.
Slamming my palm against Bow’s back, I shook my head. “Why are you so surprised?”
“I was just…” he choked, beating his chest for a second. “Man, I was pushing your buttons.”
“Stella told me yesterday she got accepted to college in Chicago,” I confided, turning back to the cheer squad and hooking my fingers through the wire netting, using it to hold me up. Thinking about her leaving was like thinking about losing a leg. But the thought of being selfish and keeping her here made me want to kick myself in the balls. “The fuck kind of guy am I to stop her from doing that? Chicago is everything she’s wanted. She’s made sacrifices to get there. My life is here with the club. It’s just a fact… it’s my future. I can’t force her to stay because it’s where I am.”
The club was my world.
That was no exaggeration.
It’s everything I’ve ever known.
It’s who I am.
It’s in my blood.
Sure, I could transfer to another chapter, but we didn’t have anything close to Chicago that would make it any easier than if we did long distance from here to there. But would that be any easier than simply cutting things off?
I imagined it would be harder, knowing she was mine, but I couldn’t touch her, both of us worried about the other losing interest or finding someone else.
It’d be like torture.
“Don’t be a fucking idiot, man,” he pleaded, frowning heavily at me. “You’re seriously not going to just let her walk out of here? Stella is good for you. Hell, Stella has been the best thing about you for the past fucking six months.”
I coughed out a laugh. “Gee, thanks, bro.”
Bow’s feet scuffed the ground as he took a couple of steps toward me and slammed his palm against my back. “Just think this through before you go and blow it.”
I’d thought about it.
A lot, actually.
Especially during the long ride from Montana this week.
Stella and I were young, and as much as I wanted her to be my forever, I also wasn’t stupid enough to think that keeping her here when she had dreams of spreading her wings was going to be the start of a perfect relationship.
“We’ll see,” I answered softly, standing a little taller when I spotted her jogging across the field toward us.
She rushed up to the fence, pressing her body against mine and tiptoeing up to meet me eye to eye. “Go home,” she ordered, leaning in and pressing a light kiss to my lips through the diamond-shaped space in the fence. “I’m gonna be another hour or more yet.”
“It’s funny that you think I’d have anywhere else to be but here, watching you risk life and limb.”
