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Now, though, she was telling me the last thing I needed to hear. That I should sleep with him again. I thought it was crazy, but then, I hadn’t had much experience in actually getting over someone without a long-term relationship having taken place first. And then when that happened, everyone came crowding around you to make sure that you were okay, to take care of you, to give you all the space you needed to make yourself better. But this – I had slept with him once, and spent a couple of nights with him, and he had held something back about himself that would have changed everything. It wasn’t exactly what most people would have thought of as something that needed getting over. And yet – and yet, I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to hide from it. To hold back from it. I needed to see him again, needed to shake him once and for all. Now, I just had to figure out how the hell I was meant to do that.
Maybe she had a point. Maybe this was what I needed to get him out of my head once and for all. I mean, I had heard wilder propositions, that was for sure. I knew that I couldn’t just cut him out, much as that was what would have made the most sense; I had to see him again, even just to confirm to myself that this was truly over between us.
"How does that work?” I asked, waving my hand to signal for Mallory to go on.
"Well, if you don’t see him again, then you’re going to spend all this time thinking about whatcouldhave happened between you, right?” She pointed out. "If you see him one last time, then you don’t have to think about that. You know what happens because you did it. And then you can just move on."
I chewed my lip. It seemed distinctly dangerous to invite him back into my house again. I felt like it could only end in disaster, all things considered. But I would have been lying if I’d said that there wasn’t some part of me that craved it. I had been looking for an excuse to get close to him again, and maybe that was just the kind that I had wanted.
I pondered on what Mallory had said to me for the rest of the week; we were back at school and I was glad to have classes back as a distraction. The dads still flirted with me at the school gate, and I told myself that I had my mojo back and then some – but I still found myself scanning to see if Joseph was anywhere to be seen.
I didn’t want to see him, but I did.
It was a confusing place to be, the inside of my brain, and I wished I could figure it out one way or another.
Mallory had a point, though. Everything in there, at the moment, was clouded by the memories of how good it had been to sleep with him that first time around. I couldn’t shake that. I needed to feel his touch again. That was the only way that I was going to be able to get all of this out of my head, I was sure of it.
And maybe it wouldn’t even be as good this time around. Right? It couldn’t have the same passion that it did the first time we had been in bed together. That had been all about the thrill of what we didn’t know, and now that we had a better grasp on one another, that was going to fall away just like that. I was certain of it.
So certain I was, that I decided it was time to see him again. One last time. To get him out of my system for good. I was ready.
I texted him to tell him to come around to my place that Friday evening; I decided that I had to do this sooner rather than later if I was going to go through with it without backing out and panicking and changing my mind. He replied at once, told me he would be there, and asked if he wanted me to bring around a bottle of wine. I told him no. I wanted to be totally and utterly sober for this, to see if the chemistry was really there – or if I had managed to invent it with my tipsiness the first night we had been together.
It was funny, I felt like I was doing everything that I could to make thisnotwork. Stacking all the cards against us to make sure that it hadn’t just been the drink or the night or the shock of having a man want me that had tipped me to crave him so badly. I was trying to make sure that none of it had been a fluke, basically, trying to make sure that nothing led me to believe there was something there when I knew there was nothing.
But, of course, I still found myself rubbing lotion on to my legs, applying a little light make-up, changing the sheets, lighting a candle; if this was going to be the last time that I was with him, then I wanted to make damn sure that I didn’t look back and regret a thing.
I made it home from work in record time that evening, and I cleaned up the place one last time and looked at myself in the mirror. This was going to be it. When this was over, I was moving on with my life. I wasn’t going to let him or the memory of him get in the way of anything else that I wanted to do.
From this point forward, I was over him. I just had this one little stopover on the way.
When I opened the door, all my thoughts fell out of my head, and I just sank into his arms and let him kiss me once more.
I hadn’t told him that this was meant to be the last time for us, but the way he kissed me, it was like he already knew. Like he had to give everything to this moment and not hold a damn thing back. I pulled him over the threshold to the apartment and felt my entire body sag with relief, like this was all I had been waiting for all this time. How had I managed to pretend, even for an instant, that this wasn’t what I needed? Having him close to me once more, it was everything I had wanted, everything I had needed. There was no room or space or time for words, not when I needed his mouth, his sweet mouth, on mine once more...
"Fuck, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you," he murmured to me, clasping my face in his hands and gazing into my eyes like he could hardly believe that I was actually right there in front of him. I slipped my hand beneath the thin black t-shirt that he was wearing and felt the strength of his body beneath it.Fuck.I didn’t know how I had managed to lie in bed next to him that whole night through and not just go crazy knowing what he was holding back from me.
"I need you to fuck me," I told him. I didn’t have time to wait. I didn’t have time to put it into any more words than that. I just needed him. Rough, hard, soft, slow, anything and any way he wanted to give it to me.
He scooped me up off the ground and carried me to the kitchen, planting me down on the counter, spreading my legs hungrily. I hadn’t bothered with underwear that day, knowing that he was going to be inside me soon enough if I had my way. Honestly, getting dressed for this had been so hot to me, knowing that everything I put on, he was going to rip straight off of me. He seemed barely-contained when he was around me, like it took everything that he had to hold back and not just pin me down and take me right where I stood.
He cupped his hand around my pussy, and I felt the warmth of his fingers there, just for a moment. He felt incredible. I couldn’t help but moan into his mouth, and he bared his teeth and bit down on my bottom lip. I hoped he would leave a mark. I wanted to remember this, remember every detail of this, commit it to memory where it belonged.
"Condom?" He demanded, and there was a rough edge to his voice that told me that this wasn’t up for debate. I grabbed the one that I had tucked into the pocket of my skirt and pressed it into his hand. I didn’t have words anymore, just need, just lust, just want for him, him, only him. My brain and body had agreed on this, for a change, agreed that this was what we needed, and I wasn’t going to hold back now that I had him just where I wanted him.
He unzipped his trousers and sheathed himself quickly, and put one arm around my waist to draw me close. His eyes were on fire and his lips were slightly parted, as though there was something that he wanted to say to me but that he couldn’t quite find the words to speak. I knew how he felt. There was so much I wanted to tell him but I had no idea where to start with any of it. It felt impossible, the weight of everything I needed to tell him, and I forced myself to hold it back for now. It didn’t matter. None of it did. Nothing did, not until he was inside me once more.
And finally, he gave me what I had been craving so dearly. He drove himself deep into me in one, long thrust, and I clung to him and let him move inside me for the first time in what felt like forever. I couldn’t believe I had managed to wait so long to get what I had needed so badly from him; fuck, it felt like every nerve-ending in my body was coming alive as he moved into me, over and over again, driving himself deep, filling me up to the very brim until I felt like there wasn’t a thing more that I could take. I wrapped my legs around him and drew him into me as far and deep as he would go. I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t even imagine getting enough. At the back of my mind, the memory that this was meant to help me get over him flickered through my head; I ignored it. It didn’t work like that, not for us. I knew that I was meant to be using this to free myself from my connection to him, but I knew, utterly and surely in that moment, that this was just going to make it harder.
And I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t care that this was a bad idea. I didn’t care anymore. I just needed him. My pussy had been aching for him for long enough now and now that I had him where I wanted him, where I needed him, nothing was going to stop me. I wrapped my arms around him, digging my nails into his back, and I buried my face into his shoulder and inhaled the scent of his aftershave. I would have bathed in this stuff just for the connection that it had to him in my head. How could anyone not fall at his feet? Everything about him was so utterly, totally edible; I wanted to consume him, every inch of him, make it so that nobody else could say that he was theirs. I was territorial over him and we had only spent a few nights together. That was the alchemy that existed between us, impossible to deny, impossible to hide from. I knew that, even if I could have, I wouldn’t have tried. I needed him. Needed this.
I could feel him moving inside of me, and I couldn’t remember a time in my life when being fucked like this had felt so good. Normally I had needed something before or during that would get me close, but being with him now, that was it. A raw, animal attraction that made every logical part of my brain switch off and slide into second gear. He turned his head to kiss me again, his tongue deep in my mouth, and I moaned helplessly. He knew just what he was doing to me. And he loved it.
"Fuck, you’re so wet," he growled into my ear, and it was this version of Joseph that really drove me utterly crazy – the version of him that dropped the pretense of the sweet, kind, loving guy, and unleashed the animal within. The animal that I was quite sure I was the only one who got to see. I could already feel my pussy tingling, that fire in my belly that had been brewing since I had invited him out here in the first place threatening to grow and burst and consume us both. My toes curled in my shoes and they slipped to the floor with a clatter, and I didn’t pay a moment of attention to them.
"You going to cum for me, Abi?" He murmured in my ear. There was almost a taunting edge to his voice, as though he knew how helpless I was in his hold. The low growl of it rolled through me, and he moved deeper, holding himself there, grinding himself deep inside of me, letting me get lost to the feeling of being taken by him, utterly and completely.
And I gave in. I couldn’t hold back any longer. Everything that I had been holding on to, that control, at least, the idea of it, fell away from me at once and I felt my pussy contract around him. I couldn’t stop myself from crying out, and he held himself there, letting me pulse around him, letting me take the last of his pleasure from him. It didn’t take long until he had found his own release deep inside of me, and he groaned as he filled me with his seed, rocking slowly back and forth as he took the last of me for himself.
