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“You know how we love Dean, and he’s like a part of our family now?” I say.
She nods. “Yeah.”
“Well, some people won’t like that. Some people think families shouldn’t have Deans. But it’s only because they don’t understand. Our family will look a little different than everyone else’s, and that’s okay. We just have to be patient, but no matter what, Daddy, Dean, and I will always protect you.”
She nods again.
After her bath, I carry Abby to her room and lie with her for a while. We take turns reading books to each other. There is a sense of peace inside me now, knowing that Abby might be the only child I have. It makes me want to slow down time and savor every moment with her.
And maybe, down the line, I’ll have a change of heart or be open to other avenues of parenthood, but for this moment right now, I want to be present with her.
Before she falls asleep, Caleb comes in and kisses her on the head while Dean watches from the doorway.
“Daddy, will you lie with me?” she asks, and he smiles down at her.
“Of course.”
I climb out of her bed, and he lies in my place. Abby makes herself comfortable on his arm, and I know that Daddy sleep magic will only take a few minutes to kick in.
Dean and I slip out of the room, and he pauses in the hallway outside our bedroom. “Come on,” I whisper, taking his hand and tugging him into our room.
“Are you okay?” I ask, feeling the tension in his body. He won’t meet my gaze as he stares at the floor, deep in thought. Worry builds in my gut.
“This was all my fault,” he mutters, and I quickly grip his arms, forcing him to look at me.
“Dean, stop it. It’s not your fault at all.”
“Yes, it is,” he argues. “Briar, I don’t want Abby’s life to be like this, constantly having to hear people’s bullshit and be the victim of their ignorance.”
“Her life won’t be like that?—”
“Yes,” he snaps, glaring at me. “It will, and you know it. We don’t live in a perfect world, and loving each other isn’t going to make everything better. At the end of the day, we have to protecther.”
I’m staring at him, my eyes wide and beginning to moisten. “I can’t believe you’re saying this right now,” I mumble as he walks away. “Dean, youprotectedher.”
“I shouldn’t have had to,” he replies.
“You’re just upset,” I say, coming up behind him. Placing my hands on his arms, I rest my forehead against his back.
Just when I feel like everything is coming together, he’s slipping away. If I could hold him tighter, hug this fear out of him, and force him to stay, I would. But deep down, I know that’s not right. This has to be his choice. I refuse to let him resent us for what happens once we’re together.
Every harsh glare from someone. Every judgmental comment. Every laugh behind our backs. Dean is right that nothing we do will shield us from those people, but if that’s truly something he doesn’t want to endure, then Caleb and I cannot force him to.
My dreams are shattering right in front of my eyes.
“Let’s sleep on it,” I say. “We don’t need to make drastic choices.”
“Okay,” he murmurs.
A moment later, Caleb joins us, but judging by his sour mood, he and Dean already had this same conversation while I was bathing Abby.
“Stay with us tonight,” I plead. “Just sleep here.”
Dean turns toward me, running his thumb over my cheek. “Just tonight.”
The mood is somber as we each take off our clothes, climbing into bed together. Dean lies between us, and there is no need for sex tonight. We just absorb this feeling of togetherness that exists only when the three of us are here.
I kiss Dean without urgency or desire. But I feel the sadness in his touch. The way he holds my face as if he’s memorizing the feel of my lips against his.
