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My heart plummets. Keep it together, Olivia. Keep it together. “How is she now?”
“Stable. But she would like to see you.”
I’m given her room number and then the woman makes a polite but quick goodbye.
I’m left to take on the monumental task of asking Reese for extra time off. Nerves grip me. It’ll be the first time that we’ve spoken since he came home from his disaster of a game.
OLIVIA: I’m sorry this is last minute, but I need to take time off. My mom is in the hospital.
The minutes tick on as I wait for Reese to respond.
When he does, it’s a single word.
Okay.
I wish I could explain how much I wished he’d say anything else but that. I want him to ask if she’s okay. If I’m okay. If I need anything, anything at all. If I need him.
Fighting tears, I close my messages and shove my phone into my pocket.
45
OLIVIA
The sight of my mother threatens to break the threadbare self-control I’ve managed to scrounge up on the way over.
Her body is engulfed in the hospital bed, shrouded in thick white hospital blankets. Mom is tiny and frail. Face sallow and gaunt, not an ounce of color to it. Even her hair seems sapped of its usual life.
Guilt drops like a rock into the pit of my stomach. I’ve been so wrapped up in Reese for the last few weeks… What if I missed the signs that mom was getting sick? What if I could have taken better care of her so she wouldn’t end up here again so soon?
“Why are you over there looking so glum, Via?”
Mom’s eyes crack open slowly, like her lids are too heavy. Even with how tired she is, she offers up a smile for me and pats the space beside her with one bony hand. I don’t even hesitate to go to her side. The hospital bed sinks under my weight in a way it doesn’t do under hers.
“I’m sorry, Mama.” The words tumble out of my mouth before I can keep them inside. “I didn’t realize you were sick. I haven’t been around?—”
“Hush now. It’s not your place to make sure that I’m not sick or babysit me when I get there. I’m the mama. You’re the daughter.” She pats the top of my head and pulls me into her side. “We’ve been here before, Via. Don’t worry yourself so much.” She coughs, just barely managing to cover her mouth in time. “Ugh. Sorry. Anyway. It isn’t any worse than the last time, and that turned out just fine.”
“That’s not the point. I…”
I hesitate to say it out loud: how I haven’t even given her a single thought because I’ve been so busy with Reese. I almost hadn’t even answered the hospital phone because I thought it was him!
Even now, I wish that it had been. That Ma hadn’t gotten sick and wound up back in the hospital, so that instead of being here, I could have gone to the house where we would kiss and make up and he would promise not to be so damn hard-headed anymore?—
The tears start to flow and I can’t stop them. I bury my face in my hands trying to contain them. Mom hugs me close, letting me cry against her chest.
“Oh, Via, what is it? What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
I shake my head. “I just—I don’t know, Mom. So much is going on right now and I missed you getting sick and didn’t take care of you because of it… because of a guy. It’s all so much at once, you know? It’s dumb and I hate myself for it.”
“Oh, Via…”
“And you know the messed-up thing,” I continue on, “is I think I’m actually, for real falling for him. I think I like him. I think…”
I cut myself off there. That’s bad enough. I can’t admit to my mother that I think that I could feel more than just that with Reese, if we gave each other the chance to get that far. I can’t admit how much I wish for more.
Mom doesn’t ask, though. She just holds me as I cry. The weight of being overwhelmed, falling for a man I shouldn’t, while also holding all this guilt and responsibility for my mother, it all finally catches up with me and I’m not released from it until it forces me to sleep.
46
