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Maybe because I am.
“Sorry. It’s just been stressful. With Violet and all.”
She hums, “I figured you’d probably be busy with her. Something told me to call you. Is everything okay? She do alright through the night?”
I recount the evening, leaving out key details—namely, sleeping next to Reese and this morning’s affair.
“Turns out it wasn’t teething and it wasn’t just fever. Little thing has croup.”
“Oh, that’ll be a kick in the pants every time. I remember when you were little. You always had a cold here, a cough there. I ever tell you you had chicken pox three times?”
Only every holiday for as long as I can remember. “You might’ve mentioned it once or twice,” I say with a wry smile.
Ma laughs. “Probably more than that.”
“Definitely more.”
“Well, croup is no fun, but it’ll be okay. How are other things going? Is your mind alright?”
“I’m…”
I bite my lip. I could spill to her about everything that’s gone on since I’ve been here. How I’m confused and honestly scared of my own uncertain, chaotic emotions. I want to tell her about his man who is insufferable but painfully attractive. How I’ve seen there’s another side to the mask he insists on wearing.
I’m so desperate to see his face, his real face—and I know that’s why I need to quit. I just need Ma’s guiding wisdom to tell me that my choice is the right one.
So ask her, dummy. Tell her. Saying it out loud will be good for your soul.
I chicken out instead. “No. Everything’s good.”
“Okey-dokey, sweetheart.” Ma takes in a strangely weighted breath. “Via, I should tell you… I fell again.”
My heart plummets. “What?! Ma, when?”
“Just a little after we talked last night. Up the stairs this time, so it wasn’t so bad. Better than down, at least.”
“Ma, why didn’t you call me when it happened?”
“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” she tries to soothe. “I got Jaime, that nice girl next door, to drive me so there wouldn’t be another ambulance bill. In and out of the ER quick as a flash.”
“Mom…”
“I just wanted to make sure you knew, dear. I’m okay. We’ll just… be expecting another bill in.”
That is what breaks me. I can’t quit. What even was I thinking, quit? How is Ma supposed to afford what she needs?
You’re so fucking selfish, Olivia. Deal with your shit like an adult woman!
“It’s okay, Ma,” I say. “I can handle the bill, don’t worry. It’ll be out of sight and out of mind.”
“You sure, Via? You’ve got so much on your plate, I wouldn’t want?—”
“Yeah. One hundred percent sure.”
That’s one thing I’m sure about. Everything else in my life is a damn mess.
30
REESE
