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There must be some way out of here. But how am I supposed to find it if I can’t move or see?
I open my mouth and shout, but it makes no sound. I desperately put all of my energy into it and keep trying. But no matter how hard I try, it’s as if I’m deaf. Utter silence in all-consuming darkness. This must be what hell is like. Death in a living body.
I recall Alfredo’s words. He said he would make me suffer the worst torture imaginable. Something worse than death. And he wasn’t exaggerating. I feel like I’ve been buried alive, except that I can’t even feel my own body. It’s as if my mind has been ripped out of it and thrown into the darkness. What if I can’t find a way out? How long will I have to stay here? Will I die here without food and water?
I need to stay calm. I need to collect myself and keep it together; otherwise, I’m doomed. This is a room in the Odyss. I got here through a door. If I can find that door or summon it, then I can get out of here.
With trembling hands, I reach up to my neck. But I feel no warmth. It’s as if I’m reaching into thin air. Where’s my body? Where’s my key? I need it. I frantically breathe in and out. What do I do? What the hell am I supposed to do? I want to shout, scream out my desperation, but if I do that and there’s no sound, it’ll only make me panic more.
I reach out with my arm, which I can’t feel, and try to summon a door, but there’s nothing there. Nothing!
I need to distract myself, stay calm. I think of Yoru. Is he alright? He’s still in the room with the soap bubbles, all alone, with no odeon, being hunted by Alfredo. Tears well up in my eyes when I think of Frida. Is she really dead? I know the answer, but it’s so hard to accept. I weep, although I’m not sure if it’s really happening. I can’t feel my tears. I feel nothing but emptiness. That realization brings a new wave of despair crashing over me. I sink into the blackness.
“Distract yourself, distract yourself,” I tell myself. “You can’t lose hope, or you’ll be lost forever.”
So I try to recall happy memories and experiences that meant something to me, that are important to me. My mother pops into my mind, my childhood. I remember the way Mom used to sit on the edge of my bed and read to me, the way we used to laugh together. I think of Ayden, his smell, the feeling of his skin against mine, his voice and his breath tickling my ear. How much time has already passed? How long have I been here? He’ll be worried sick when he realizes I’ve disappeared. And he’ll have no idea where I am. Why didn’t I tell him where I was going? How could I be so stupid? Then again, he’d never have a chance of finding me in the Odyss. It’s just too big, and there are endless numbers of doors. No, he’ll never find me. He won’t come. He can’t. He’ll just suffer.
When that realization hits me, the tears that I can’t feel stream down my face again. So this was all part of Alfredo’s plan. To make me experience death while I’m still alive and punish Ayden at the same time. He’ll never find out where I am or what’s happened to me. I know what it would do to me if it were Ayden who went missing without a trace.
The thought of him – of his pain and the question of whether I’ll ever see him again – saps me of strength, and panic overcomes me again.
How long have I been here? Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? I can’t say. I’ve lost all sense of time. I wander around endlessly – at least I believe that’s what I’m doing. I give my legs the command to move. Do they obey? I have no idea.
I search desperately for a door, for a light, but if I’m actually moving through space at all, it makes no difference. Nothing but darkness all around me, swallowing me up. And always the same questions: Where am I? How do I get out of here?
I don’t feel hungry or thirsty. That tells me that either my physical sensations are blocked by some kind of force, or my body doesn’t need food or water in here. The latter seems more likely. And that would mean that I can’t die of starvation or thirst. I’ll be here forever. That’s what Alfredo chose for me: eternal torment.
No, I can’t let that happen, and I won’t. I’ll find a way. Definitely. Ayden, my mom, my friends – they’re waiting for me; they’re searching for me. I need to get back to them. But which way? Where am I supposed to go?! I feel so much rage and such bottomless despair. Ayden will search for me. He’ll grieve.
And at some point, he’ll get on with his life, says a voice inside me. Of course he will. He’s young. It’ll be hard at first. But how does the saying go? Time heals all wounds. Eventually, I’ll just be a memory that slowly fades.
No, I can’t think like that. He won’t give up on me. Nor will my friends. I think of Alex. Didn’t she say to me recently that there are dark moments in life, but that you should never give up hope? There are people who will never give up on me. Never!
I shake my head. Am I actually shaking it? I can’t feel it. Or my hands, legs, or the rest of my body. Are they still there? Don’t think about that, don’t think about that …
What if my life was only a dream? Key spirits, magic, Noctu, Tempes, goddesses. It all sounds more like a fairy tale than reality. Maybe I’m dead. Could I be? Did something happen to me that could have killed me? I don’t remember, as hard as I try. My mom. I moved with her to San Francisco – didn’t I? Yeah, we did, right? Into my great aunt’s house. My great aunt, who supposedly killed a goddess of destiny, but then it turned out she didn’t. The goddess is still alive – in a retirement home. I was supposed to search for the library. Kate – she was the end goal. I didn’t know that. And now she’s no longer herself. Well, she kind of is but kind of isn’t. Shit, none of this makes sense. Where am I? What am I doing here? How did I get here? Why? Why?
I open my mouth again and scream. I yell and shriek as loud as I can, but it doesn’t make even the faintest noise. There can’t be anything worse than this. I can’t even vent my emotions.
I haven’t slept. For days. No, it must be weeks. Surely it’s been weeks. Am I still walking? I was trying to find a door. An exit. My legs aren’t moving. Where are they supposed to go? There’s no way out of here. And anyway, if I had a body, I’d be able to feel it. I should be experiencing hunger and thirst. But there’s nothing. Just emptiness. I’m an empty shell. I’m probably dead, and this is hell. That’s the only explanation.
Does Mom know I’m dead? And Ayden? Where is he? He’ll get over me. I’m sure he will. And that’s good. I want him to be happy. We had so many problems. For so long I thought we couldn’t be together. We went through so much. We don’t deserve to have it all end like this. Nobody does.
Were we really a couple? Did I really move to San Francisco with my mom? I can’t remember. Damn it! Why can’t I? If it’s not reality, then I never met Ayden. Does he even exist? He has to. Definitely. I saw him. From a distance. With a girl who was in his bed. I remember. It hurt so much to see that. She got up and came to me. Why was I staring at them like that? She was obviously his girlfriend. What am I doing here? Have I gone crazy?
Oh, yes. I have. Definitely. I’m crazy, crazy, crazy. Nothing is real; nothing is true. I’m not even real. I’m … lost. Forever. This torture will never end. Never, never, never.
Time passes, or maybe it doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. I’m dead. There’s no way out. I’m lost. I’m dead.
Chapter 28
Darkness. Black. Devouring me. Impenetrable. Lost. Forever. I’m dark. I’m the night. One with the nothingness. No body. No I, no soul, no self, no life.
Emptiness. Infinite emptiness, which I’m part of. I am the emptiness, the night, the darkness. And that’s good. To no longer feel anything. Nothing ever again. Nothing at all.
I want to scream, shout, but I can’t. Where is that agonizing pain coming from? That blinding light? It hurts like hell. How can I feel it? I am no more. I’m the nothing, the emptiness. So why is there this horrendous pain threatening to tear me apart? My eyes hurt so much. That light. It needs to stop. It’s tearing me apart! Please, stop! I scream and scream and scream. Indistinct noises drift toward me. Can I actually hear something? What is it? I don’t know. The light … that awful light. It’s painful; it’s torture. Please! Please leave me alone! I’m dead. Dead! Dead!
“I can’t prove it,” says a voice.
