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“I felt your presence, and that was enough to fill the space for me. I’m also writing in my journal.”
“Oh, will I ever get to see your journal?”
“One day,” he said, quickly tucking it away in a bottom drawer and locking it with a key. Then, my attention was drawn to a specific novel on his desk.
“No way,” I blurted out, maybe a bit too loudly, as Dillon looked up at me with wide eyes. “You’re reading a romance book. Where’d you get this one?”
“Yes,” he shyly smiled, running his fingers along the book’s spine. “I had Mikkel get it for me.”
Every day, I found more reasons to like him, even in small gestures like this. He was reading one of the books from the twisted series.
“How far along are you in the book?”
“Ten chapters in.”
“This is so getting you laid, again.”
“Good for me.”
“I love romance. It’s just so fun reading about people falling in love and being together.”
“It is. An escape from reality.”
“Yeah, that’s why I love romance books. I can give you a list if you want.”
“Please do, and I’ll have Mikkel get them.” I felt like I had found someone who shared my interests, and I hoped it would last.
We spent the rest of our free time continuing last night’s discussion. We were debating whether Michael was wrong for walking away or if Stella should have fought harder for their love. Or if Stella had made it too difficult for him.
Most of all, I loved that we were becoming friends.
The day ended and therapy time rolled again. Our sessions have been good so far and though we had said we are doing once a week sessions, she said it’s beside if we did twice a month, seeing as I was not half as bad as I was when we first met years ago.
That definitely counted for something.
We did the warm up exercise and she asked me about how I’ve been since the last visit. I told her all about how work has been and I talked to her about Dillon. I didn’t mention him by name, but I spoke using aliases.
“So, is he your boyfriend?”
“I’m not big on labels but he treats me like a girlfriend. We’ve been on dates and we hang out often. Slept together which was a big thing for me.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“It feels good to have that connection with him but I also feel that my dependence will come on that now and I’ve been trying for years to get out of that habit.”
“The best thing to do is remember that you’re in control. From what you’ve been telling me, it’s all about consent and it is more focused on your pleasure than anything else.”
“He just makes me feel….” I paused. So many words came to mind and I didn’t know which to use.
“Wanted. You feel wanted. Listened to. Appreciated. You feel deserving.”
“Exactly, and it’s scary,” I admitted. The fear stemmed from the possibility that something might go wrong, and I’d change too much for him, only to end up heartbroken. That was the last thing I needed.
“It’s not scary; you’re simply protecting your heart, and that’s a very good thing. But be careful not to protect it so much that there’s nothing left for him,” she cautioned.
The session went on with us touching on different topics and I felt freer. My chest wasn’t as heavy and that made me content.
My life was gradually becoming more normal, and I could finally credit myself for that. I was putting myself out there, investing more in myself, and I was content with that. Even if it wouldn’t last forever, I was happy with the present moment.
