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“Hello, caller,” I said, trying not to feel self-conscious. “Personally, I love using The Flower on Emma.”
“But…what would you use on yourself?”
I frowned at the question. “I would use one of the male toys.”
“But, let’s say you enjoyed using the women’s toys,” she continued. “Say, you enjoyed a little back door pleasure?”
I grimaced at the thought of anything coming near my rear. “Uh…” I chuckled. “I can’t say I’ve ever done anything like that, so I’m afraid I can’t answer your question.”
“You’ve never had Emma play with you there?” the caller asked.
I turned off the switch and hissed at Emma, “I didn’t sign up for this.”
“Oh, just have fun with it! She doesn’t know you.”
I was about to protest when Emma shot me the look. Sighing, I flipped on the switch again. “Again, I’ve never done something like that. I would stick with the male toys.”
“Have you ever done it to someone else?”
“You know, this isn’t a sex show. It’s just a podcast about the toys.”
“But haven’t you ever say…fucked a sheep?”
Suddenly, it dawned on me. I stood so fast, I nearly knocked the table over. I tossed my headphones on the table as familiar laughter filtered through the room. I ran out the door where the guys were sitting in their truck, laughing their asses off at me.
“I’m gonna kill you!”
Jules shifted into reverse while Sinner and Cazzo tossed stuffed baby sheep out the window at me. Just as I grabbed for the handle, Jules hit the gas and tore out of the driveway, shoving his middle finger out the window at me.
I stood there fuming, trying to figure out how to get back at them, but the damage was already done. The podcast was ruined. Turning around, I trudged back to the house and tried to figure out how the hell I was going to make this right for Emma.
But what I wasn’t prepared for was the lively conversation Emma was having at my expense. “—and then he realized once he had her home that she was really a he!” she laughed hysterically. “So, I guess you could say he came close once.”
She turned and winked at me. I glared and slammed the door, marching up to my room where I proceeded to throw out every single toy in her “love box”, as she called it. That was it. We were only having ordinary missionary sex from now on.
6
IRISH
I strolled into the library at half past eight. Ever since Claire took her old job back, I was constantly competing with her love for the written word. Half the time, she was so lost in her fantasies that she forgot the time and didn’t come home until well past ten o’clock at night. I was beginning to feel like an unloved novel.
“Claire?” I called out, but was met with silence. I didn’t understand why the library was open so late. No one was ever here with her at this hour.
I made my way through the lower level, searching every room for her, but had no luck. Sliding my hand over the old oak banister, I made my way up to the second floor. It had been years since we ran from the men trying to steal that old book in this very library. Of course, I had been younger then. The years had worn on my bones and muscles, reminding me I wasn’t quite as limber as I once was. Maybe I needed to jump off the roof again to remind myself what it was like to live vicariously with the woman I loved.
“Claire?” I called out again, this time pausing when I heard a whimper. Pulling my gun, I quickly moved through the shadows, hugging the wall as I ran through the restricted section. Only the most voracious readers were allowed over here, and you had to show your reading list and pass a test before Claire would allow you to check out one of the old tomes.
“Please,” Claire whimpered just beyond the door.
I couldn’t see inside, but there was the dim light from an old lamp casting shadows off the walls. Panic that I hadn’t felt in years returned at the thought of the love of my life being in danger. She could handle anything, but right now I knew whatever was happening was bad.
I peeked through the crack between the door and the frame, only able to see my wife wiping tears from her eyes as she stood stiffly. I hated when my wife cried, and whoever was in there with her was about to pay for the distress he was causing.
“It’ll only hurt for a moment,” an older voice murmured.
I spun around the door with my gun raised at the same time I heard the sound of slicing and Claire’s horrified screams.
“Hands in the air!”
