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“I…” He stumbled back a step, then collapsed against the wall, sinking to the ground. He looked like he was about to puke.
“Mark, get your ass up now before I have this baby in your lap!”
Then I let out an ungodly scream that made his eyes flutter and his whole body sway before slumping to the side. My scream turned into peels of laughter as I stood upright and walked over to him, patting him on the cheek. His eyes fluttered for just a moment before opening all the way.
“Serves you right for lying to me.”
Then I turned and wobbled down the sidewalk, leaving him gasping for air on the ground.
2
SINNER
“Your wife is the devil,” I said as I walked into Cap’s office and slammed the door. The force of it immediately drew his attention, though he faked it and continued staring at his paperwork.
“What’d she do this time?”
“Faked labor right the fuck in front of me. Can you believe that shit?”
“And what did you do?” he asked, turning the page, still pretending he wasn’t interested.
“I was on a mission.”
“Uh-huh.”
I sat down in the chair across from him, slamming my hand on the desk. He finally looked up at me with a bored expression. “Alright, I’m listening to this riveting tale.”
“I was preparing for your wife’s labor because I’m that good of a friend.”
He snorted in amusement. “Don’t kid yourself. You were preparing in case you happen to be around when she goes into labor.” He jerked his chin at me. “So, how did it go?”
I slumped in my chair, ashamed of how I reacted. “Big, fat failure,” I muttered. “I nearly passed out. Cap, I can’t go through this again. You have to send me away.”
He rolled his eyes at me, clearly not understanding the current mental state I was in. “Just don’t go around her when she’s about to go into labor.”
“Right, because it’s that easy. It’s like she’s magnetically drawn to me when she’s about to push out a kid. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going insane!” I snapped, my voice growing louder with every word I uttered. I was seriously about to pull out my hair right now. “I’m too old for this kind of stress. I have my own wife to think about, with kids multiplying by the thousands. Do you realize how many mutants we have running around this property?” I shifted in my seat until I was practically leaning over the desk. “What the fuck were we thinking? They never leave the property. They all get together and discuss ways to mutilate a person or to kill someone without getting caught. We’ve turned them into psychopaths. This is Not. Normal!”
I thought that little speech would somehow influence him one way or another, but instead, he just stared at me like I was boring him.
“Well, say something!”
“Sinner, I think you’re right. You do need a vacation.”
“No,” I said immediately. “No vacation.”
“Why?”
He looked at me strangely, but that was only because he hadn’t thought this through the way I had. “Vacation means family, which means bringing all the kids along. I love my kids. I really do, but…” I glanced around the office, terrified to let the words leave my lips. Swallowing hard, I foraged into unknown territory. “I don’t think I like my kids.”
He barked out a laugh, tossing his pencil down on the desk. “Of course you do. Sinner, you just need a break. You’re gonna snap.”
“I’m fucking serious!” I said, reaching across the desk to grasp his hand. I knew my eyes were wide and I looked like I was hopped up on crack, but this was serious. “Cap…the little one…he stares at me like he’s going to turn into a demon and kill me in my sleep.”
“The little one? You mean your newborn?”
I nodded furiously. He just didn’t get it. “At night…when I change his diaper, it’s like he’s waiting for the perfect moment to…switch.”
“To switch,” Cap repeated.
