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“And I’ve explained why,” I reminded him. “Also, you’re in my fucking car right now. So I did give you one of them.”
I knew this was just part of the anger he was feeling spilling over, and I couldn’t really blame him. But I wouldn’t stand for him acting like he was a fucking victim in this.
“When it was convenient for you,” he said.
“Are you fucking new?” I asked him, slamming on the breaks at the end of the exit ramp and turning in my seat to face him. “It’s been four fucking years and you haven’t figure out how any of this works? The job comes above everything. And until tonight, I thought you understood that. But you’re acting like a petulant child and I’ve never seen this side of you.”
“I’m scared!” he snapped, his hands balling to fists against his thighs. “Even with everything I’ve seen. Everything I’ve done. I’ve never been this scared before, Griffin. Eddie’s running around behind your back, doing God knows what. Kenny’s missing. And here you are. After all this time, you’re here. But I don’t know what that means for me. Don’t know if it changes anything.”
“I’m sorry,” I said softly, suddenly feeling guilty for getting angry at him. “Honestly, I didn’t think you could get scared. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
“No, it’s fine,” he said, relaxing back in his seat and unclenching his fists. “I had no right to talk to you like that. You’re right. This is the job. It was a lapse, it won’t happen again.”
Oh, I highly doubted that. I think we all had moments of blind panic hit us when we were this deep into an assignment. God knows I’d had my fair share.
But Matt was always so fucking strong. It truly never occurred to me that he’d doubt himself, his role in this, or what he meant to me.
“Turn right here,” he said, pointing toward the turn onto Eight Mile Road.
We didn’t talk about it again as he gave me the rest of the directions to his place. Really, there was nothing left to say. I wouldn’t shame him by pushing him to talk about it anymore.
As I pulled into the parking lot of his apartment complex I knew deep down that I was going to have to find a way to save Kenny for him. Because if anything happened to that kid, Matt wouldn’t recover. He’d walk away from the force, from the cartel, from me.
And that was the fear that balled up in my chest.
I just wasn’t stupid enough, or brave enough, to admit it.
Chapter Nine
~Matt~
“Jesus, this is where you’ve been living?” Griffin asked as he looked around my apartment. “Don’t you get a cut of the income?”
“Yes.” I pulled two beers out of the fridge and handed one to him. “But that’s blood money. I donate most of it.”
“What a fucking boy scout,” he teased, popping the cap off his bottle and taking a swig.
“Look,” I said coldly, glaring at him. “I have a hard enough time with the shit I have to do. I’m not going to profit from it, too. There’s nothing wrong with my apartment.”
“It’s a shoebox.”
“It has a bed, a shower and a kitchen.” I shrugged. “I don’t need much and I’m not here very often anyway. I spend most of my time at the warehouse or on the streets.”
“Fair enough, I guess.” Griffin walked over to the sofa and sat down. “You know, Eddie just bought a penthouse in Midtown. When he leaves you should see if he’ll let you take it over.”
“Why do you care where I live?” I asked him. “I’ve been here for four years.”
“Yeah, and had I known that, I’d have pushed you to move up before now. Look, I get that you don’t want cartel money. But you still have appearances you need to keep up. Hasn’t anyone ever questioned why you live like this before?”
“No. But Kenny’s the only one who’s ever actually been here.” I shrugged. “I’ve only been a Knight for a couple weeks. It’s not like grunts have sleepovers. I’ve never been to anyone else’s place, and they’ve never been to mine. It’s really not a big deal.”
“When you said you had friends in the cartel…” Griffin trailed off, staring at me as he rolled his bottle between his palms on the coffee table in front of him. “That wasn’t really true, was it?”
“I told you,” I said softly, dropping my gaze to the floor. “Kenny is my friend. Other than you…he’s all I have.”
“I’m sorry, Matt.” The sadness in his tone made me look back at him again. “I knew you were isolated out here, but I guess I didn’t realize how bad it was. No wonder you’re so pissed at me.”
“I’m not,” I insisted, walking over and sitting down next to him. “Not really. I mean, yeah, it was a shock. But I get it. It’s got to be even harder for you.”
