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Since then, my body has gone through so many changes. Childbirth does that. I thought that because I was so young, my body would return to normal in no time. Instead, the changes are more permanent. My hips are wider, my breasts are fuller, but also saggier, and there is loose skin on my stomach that wasn’t there before.
“What?” I finally snap while I’m putting a tray of cookies in the oven. When Alice had invited us to bake cookies with her, I assumed we would do a single batch of chocolate chip or something else simple. This woman takes her baking seriously. We’ve made at least half a dozen batches of cookies so far, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she has more planned.
It’s enough to feed an army. Or, I guess, a mafia.
“It’s time for you to move into our room.”
His voice is gruff, and it’s mismatched for his environment. I don’t want to admit it, but it’s cute. The big, bad mafia man is surrounded by his mom’s baking supplies. I think he’s somehow gotten flour on his nose. If the situation wasn’t so dire, I would laugh.
“No.”
Things have been going smoothly with me staying in my room. I have no intention of messing with that. Sharing a room with Enzo, and sharing a bed with him, is asking for trouble.
The idea of a loveless life isn’t new. It’s occurred to me more than once when it was Matteo and I. I accept that. However, I won’t pretend to be in love with Enzo.
“Let’s go watch some TV in the living room,” Alice says as she guides Matteo out of the room.
Enzo waits until Alice has turned on the TV, something to cover the sounds of our voices. I wipe my flour-covered hands off on the borrowed apron.
“It wasn’t a suggestion.”
“And yet I gave you my answer. I’m happy in the room I’m in. You won't move me out of it. Matteo is happy there, too.”
“Our room, and yes, I can. Enzo will be happier in the room he has been picking out furniture for. You can't tell me he isn't excited about the race car bed my mother promised him."
I grit my teeth as I continue what Alice and I had been working on before this conversation. I move cookies off the cooling rack and onto plates, from the hot pans onto the cooling racks, and start pulling the ingredients for the next recipe she has set out.
“I don’t know why you think you get to make these decisions for me. Fine, I’ll marry you. It’s not like I was ever planning on getting married for love as it is. My life is too full for love, too busy. But that doesn’t mean you get to strip me of my autonomy and decide my next moves like I’m a chess piece,” I tell him, anger building in my chest. I take it out on the cookie mix.
During the morning, I messaged my university. I explained to them my father had been badly injured and I wouldn’t be able to return for the foreseeable future. I also had to message Sherry. If there is a chance of me being able to finish my education, I’ll need to find a new internship site.
I doubt Enzo will be supportive of me pursuing my master’s degree. It isn't what a mafia wife should be doing. Besides, I’m not sure how I could pursue my master's. I doubt the university would feel comfortable with my so-called bodyguards attending class with me.
Matteo is safe here. That’s all that matters. Even if abandoning the life I had been building makes my chest ache.
“I had a business associate make some not-so-subtle threats about you. I won’t feel assured of your safety unless you are sleeping next to me all night. That requires us to be in the same room,” he explains to me. His voice makes it clear he thinks I’m acting like a petulant child.
“If you can’t be assured of my safety without me being in the same room as you, then what about Matteo? Is he not safe in his room? Would we be safer in, say, a hotel?” I’m taunting him. Challenging his sense of pride. It’s a dirty tactic, but I’m sick of feeling like the overly emotional one in our conversations. I need a reminder he isn’t a cyborg.
“No one even knows Matteo exists, but they do know I am engaged. That makes you more at risk than him.”
His composure doesn’t waver. The most unfair part about this is how out of character it feels for me. I’m not the person who goes looking for a fight. Never have I purposefully wanted someone to get mad at me. I need something from him. Anything. A reaction that proves I’m not the only one who experiences normal human emotions. He may never love me, but if I can make him feel something, maybe I’ll feel less like a puppet he’s pulling by the strings. Anger is preferable to indifference.
“You can post guards by my door, you can watch me sleep through a camera, but I draw a line at sleeping next to you at night. I’ll be keeping my own bed.”
Shockingly, he lets the conversation drop. I wait for the pushback, for him to insist I follow his will. He doesn’t. Instead, he picks up one of the peanut butter blossom cookies we baked earlier and pops it into his mouth, never taking his eyes off me.
I doubt this will be the last time we have this conversation. Enzo doesn’t strike me as the type who is used to hearing someone say no. If I had told him no, both of our lives would be monumentally different. I still don’t regret it. Matteo is my life. Dealing with his overbearing father just wasn’t something I was expecting I would deal with.
When the last batch of cookies is done, I move into the living room. Matteo is asleep on the couch and Alice is sitting next to him, running her fingers through his hair. I hadn’t realized how late in the day it was getting, still early for him to go to bed. I chuckle. Must be the sugar crash from all the cookies he ate. I scoop him up in my arms, thank Alice for the day, and move towards our room. Enzo follows behind me.
“What are you doing?” I whisper to him as he follows me into the room Matteo and I are staying in.
“If you won’t come to our room, I’ll stay in here. Simple as that.”
“I hope you’ll be comfortable on the couch then. No matter what room we are in, I’m still not sleeping in the same bed as you.”
“Stubborn, stubborn girl. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight. Be warned, you’re going to want to lose this attitude here soon. I only have so much patience, and you’re already testing it.”
