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"You need to give yourself a break," he urged me. "You’re going to drive yourself crazy, trying to guess how everyone’s going to react to this. You have to focus on yourself right now. Anyone who’s going to look at everything you’ve been through and make it your mistake isn’t worth having around, anyway."
I wished I could believe him when he said that, but it was tough. This was my family we were talking about, the people I adored more than anything in the world—the people I had loved enough to get into this profession in the first place. If I could just leave them behind, I would have already, but they had always been in my mind, always been there at the back of my head. When I had dreamed about getting out of this life, they had been the ones I’d been thinking of. And if I had to face this life without them … what would be the point of any of it? Would any of it have been worth it at all?
"Thanks," I told him, and he reached across the table, taking my hand in his. His strong fingers against my own always brought me back down to earth, reminding me of how much he cared for me.
"You going to be okay today?" he asked me. I shrugged.
"I don’t know," I replied. "I … I still kind of want to go out and score."
He rose to his feet, closing his laptop and pushing it to the side.
"What’s your favorite movie?" he asked. I blinked up at him, confused.
"Uh, I don’t know," I replied. I hadn’t been to see any movies in so long, it was hard for me to think about the answer to that.
"You must have one," he prompted me. "Something you loved to watch growing up?"
"Uh, I guess … Mulan?" I replied. It was the first answer that came to mind; I used to watch it all the time with my little sisters, and we’d sing along to the songs together.
"Let’s watch that today," he replied. "I’ll send out one of the guards to get takeout. Anything you want."
I felt tears prick the backs of my eyes. I knew it was ridiculous, but it had been so long since someone had been so thoughtful to me. Normally, when men were this close to me, they were just looking for an excuse to get me naked, but not him. No, he was coming at me as though I was a real person, a person he respected and cared for, not willing to let me sit there in the discomfort of my cravings.
He planted a kiss on the top of my head, and I closed my eyes and smiled, letting the warmth of it rush through me. Oh, I wasn’t sure what it was about this guy, but he made the hair on the back of my neck stand up—he made me feel like I was worth something, worth caring for.
Even if, at the back of my mind, my brain was still screaming out for a break from the shame and guilt I was still stuck with.
Chapter Eleven – Paulo
As soon as I passed her room, I could tell there was something off.
I paused outside the door, straining my ears to get a better idea of what was happening behind that door. I wasn’t entirely sure what it was that had tipped me off to the notion that she wasn’t doing entirely well, but I had been on high alert since the day before, when she had come to me and confessed that she had been struggling with her cravings.
I had done everything I could to try and make it a little easier for her, but I could tell she still wasn’t having the easiest time with any of this. Who could blame her? Now that she was facing reality once more, she was being hit with all the reasons that she had started using in the first place. The pink cloud, those first few weeks of sobriety and feeling as though everything in the world was falling into place, were well and truly done, and now, all she had left was the reminder of her pain.
Yesterday, I had managed to keep her distracted, but I knew it wasn’t going to last forever. I’d gotten some info from one of my contacts in the financial department of a major banking chain, and they had started to home in on where Stefano, that bastard, had been spending the money he had earned from his abuse of these women.
But, in the process, I’d had to leave her alone for a while, and I had noticed that she had retreated back to her bedroom again. The first time she had been hiding out there since we had slept together. The two of us had been sharing a bed all week, falling asleep and waking up beside each other, but now, she seemed to want to keep her distance, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t have me worried.
I could hear her humming to herself behind the door, and it should have been a happy sound, but there was something … off about it. Something wrong. She sounded a little out of it, and I scanned my mind, trying to figure out if she could have gotten out of the house long enough to get her hands on some powder, but I was sure she couldn’t. So, what was …?
I pushed the door open slowly, and, when I saw the sight laid out in front of me, my heart sank. She was flopped down on the bed, and beside her, on the bedside table, was a half-drunk bottle of scotch. Her eyes were woozy and distant as she lifted herself up to look at me, staring up at me with a sloppy smile.
"Hey," she murmured, clearly in the mind for some seduction. I held back at the door. The sight of that bottle sent a shiver down my spine. I had spent far too many nights like this myself, and I knew they meant nothing good. If you had to get this drunk just to survive, you were struggling, in a serious way.
"Hey," I replied, not moving any closer to her. "You alright?"
"I’m great," she slurred. "You want a drink?"
"No," I muttered, though, right now, I wanted nothing more than to down that bottle sitting right beside her. I hated seeing her like this, but there was nothing I could do about it now. The amount she had drank, at her size, was going to hit her like a ton of bricks.
"I forgot how much I loved being drunk," she told me, getting to her feet and stumbling slightly. "It’s so fun. I’ve been listening to music all night …"
I grabbed her before she toppled over on the spot, and she looked up at me, drooping her eyes down in what she must have thought was a seductive fashion.
"And it makes me feel so hot," she murmured, pressing herself into me. I tensed. As beautiful as she was, I didn’t want her like this.
"Selina," I replied, taking her by the shoulders and easing her away from me. She looked up at me again, flicking her tongue over her lips.
