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I’m longing to be with them, to smile and laugh and fawn over the baby. At the same time, I’m devastated that I missed the chance to be there.
Mari: She’s here :) Now what do I do?
Her words are an invitation, and a lifeline.
I didn’t realize how much of my life I’ve been putting on hold these past months while I waited for Clay to make a decision he’s no closer to making.
One it seems he has no intention of letting me into.
The pain in my chest intensifies until it’s hard to breathe. I lift my face to take in Clay’s impassive expression.
“Maybe we should take a break,” I hear myself say.
I expect him to drag my face up to his, to kiss me until I can’t breathe, let alone speak.
Or to tell me it’s impossible to have space from someone you swore you were the same person as.
“A break from what?” His voice is so low I almost think I imagined it.
I’m the one bringing up the problem that’s been between us for weeks, months, but somehow, I feel more helpless than ever.
“From us? From pretending everything’s good when it’s not? From going through the same pattern every day and living in limbo?”
I’d take angry Clay. Hell, I’d even take hurt Clay because it would mean I can still hurt him.
As he nods to the door, waiting for me to go first, I realize numbly that I won’t get either of those.
And that hurts the most.
8
NOVA
“She likes you.” Mari drops into a chair outside on the patio behind the house.
I sigh. “I like her.”
I adjust Emily on my lap, bouncing her gently in the way I’ve learned she prefers over the past two weeks.
“Keep her,” my sister offers.
I look over in surprise to see Mari watching, a half smile on her face.
“You’re only saying that because you didn’t sleep last night. Besides, I’m the cool aunt. I’ll dye her hair and drive her to parties and all the things you won’t do.”
“Not until she’s at least sixteen,” Mari says.
“Ten,” I whisper.
Emily blinks up at me with her big, blue eyes. She’s so beautiful, with her perfect fingers and fingernails and dark hair.
“I can already tell she has Harlan’s determination. And my stubbornness,” Mari says.
“Those are the same thing.”
She sticks out her tongue.
It’s a gorgeous fall day, the breeze rippling through the trees and cutting through my sweater, and Emily’s wrapped cozily in her sleeper. I wish we could stay like this for hours, the three of us.
